Here Goes

What a treasure these boys are to our family!  Not a day goes by that I don't treasure the fact that I'm allowed to be the forever mama to these three little guys.

9 months of brothers

Brothers.  My three sons have now been brothers for 9 months.  Meeting at the airport; the excitement, exhaustion and feeling all of those intense emotions put down the glue that would, through the next few months begin to fully them as brothers.

Adoption, like life is filled with unknowns.  When our adoption agency agreed to allow us to disrupt our birth order, the list of unknowns grew.  Inevitably adding another child to our family would change Gabe's life but I had to wonder how much more would disrupting the birth order change his life.

We were thrilled when our agency approved our home study for a child aged 0-10.  We assumed we'd be adding a big brother or sister to Gabe's future.  February 14, 2014 when we heard the words "two boys, ages 6 and 8 months" we were thrilled.  Sandwiching Gabe between two brothers was totally unexpected; a complete delight but added to the list of unknowns.  These boys, this brotherhood, it was one of the major unknowns as we waited for Thomas and Samsel to come home.

"Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known God" 

As I was sharing my fears with a friend she shared the above sentiment from Corrie ten Boom.  So we trusted.  Honestly, I trusted then worried then trusted some more.  And my worry, well it was fruitless.  Like we read a few nights ago with the big boys at bedtime; "Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them.  Are you not much more valuable than they?"  Matthew 6:26.  We are more valuable to The Lord than the birds and surely He took care of our family.

Gabe truly became a big brother and a little brother in the  middle of an airport on November 13, 2014.  He took his brothers home and began sharing his toys, his bedroom and his parents.  My worries about the boys and the brotherhood they would form proved needless.  While it hasn't been perfect, it's been beautiful; full of love, learning and redemption.

In Samsel The Lord provided a sweet boy nearly the same age as our July baby that would heal small parts of Gabe's hearts that were still reeling from that loss.  While Gabe had to learn (and at times needs a refresher course) to be gentle to his younger brother, he also was given the opportunity to be a big brother; to be a leader and a protector, to teach Samsel and to care for him.  Samsel learned quickly that Gabe loved him unconditionally and is always quick to sidle up beside Gabe to look at a book or play cars together.



Samsel needed a brother to respond to all of his cries, to readily give him the toy he wanted and to help fill his quota of daily hugs.  Both Gabe and Samsel find comfort in one another when someone is sad or hurt.  Samsel doesn't yet see any of Gabe's limitations but all of his potential.  Their relationship is beautiful.  Exhausting and tests all of my parenting patience when they tease each other for hours on end but also one of the most beautiful relationships two brother could have.

Then there's these two.

 I'm not really sure what to even say about them.  Some days I just sit back and marvel at the fact that they have only been brothers for "X" amount of time because it seems like their relationship is so established.  Thomas has taken to being the "big brother" of the house with great pride.  He encourages Gabe, praises him for using lefty and helps him when he needs it.  Gabe needed Thomas. He needed a brother to play super hero with him, race cars around the living room and belly laugh with as they 'fall' off the couch.  Gabe needed someone to believe in him, someone for nightly wrestling matches against daddy and someone to whisper funny stories to after being tucked into bed.  

As for Thomas; he desperately needed the sweet, happy spirit of Gabe in his life.  Gabe showed Thomas that laughter really is the best medicine; for a carsick stomach, a lonely day or a hard moment.  Through Gabe, Thomas learned exactly what Daddy and Mommy are for; to care for you, love you, fill you with good food and hopeful words.  Thomas learned quickly from Gabe how to create new tracks on the train table and now they spend hours playing trains, designing new tracks and causing train wrecks.  Together they've learned to read; spurred on by a little brotherly competition (for Thomas) and the desire to not be left behind (for Gabe). Soon, they will begin 1st grade together.  I can only imagine the laughter, learning and fun that will be had around that table.

It hasn't been perfect.  Both boys have had a lot to learn; how to share, how to respect one another's wishes when the other wants time to themselves, to take turns.  All things brothers begin learning from day one; their day one just began when they were 5 and 6 years old.

9 months.  9 months of love. 9 months of laughter.  9 months of bedtime stories and songs.  It has been such a joy and a privilege to watch them go from brothers by name only to brothers bonded by love and an equal amound of need and admiration for one another.

No one could have ever known these three little boys born thousands of miles and a world a
part would be such a wonderful match for a trio of brothers.  Thomas and Samsel had one another but unknown to them, and to us, someone was missing for everyone.  Gabe fits perfectly in the middle; Thomas in the lead and Sam coming along as the baby.  Clandestine moments fill our house when I hear giggles turn to belly laughs, stumble upon them reading together in the playroom or check in on them sleeping at night and I have to remind myself that this isn't how it's always been.  While we couldn't have imagined how well these three boys would become brothers, He did.  And as I pull their blankets back over them each night before I go to bed, I thank Him for His unfailing wisdom to give us the gift of these three brothers.

 Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father 

of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.  James 1:17

On Going Slow

Some days seem to go by so slow but the weeks and months seem to go by in the blink of an eye. Even moments at time seem like they need to be stolen because I blink and they've passed us by.  Life with three [very active] boys keeps me on my toes.  I've learned that in order to keep up and to be able to meet everyone's individual needs, there's little time to sit down.  At night I glance at the computer and have so many things in my mind and on my heart that beckon to be shared but I tend to curl up on the couch, spend time with Matt and fall asleep; physically exhausted but with a very full and very thankful heart.


Nine months ago Matt and I boarded a plane in DC bound for Ethiopia with no idea what the future would hold.  We knew it would be beautiful and we assumed it would be hard but we were ready to bring home two little boys who needed a family.  And as much as they needed a family, we needed them.

Step by step, moment by moment our sweet sons learned that we were their family.  It was, and in many ways still is, a slow process.  How do you explain to a child that you will always be there for them when all the adults they've known have left them?  You can't use words, you have to prove it to them.

And that proof comes in the form of being there each and every day, every single second they need you.  For the first few months home Samsel woke up constantly; he wasn't hungry or wet, he just needed to know we were there.  So we went to him, held him close and whispered sweet, soft truth into his ears.  Thomas?  He didn't need us at night but during the day time he asked (still does some days) so many questions I wouldn't even be able to keep count. Sweet questions, serious questions, nonsensical questions.  He didn't need the answers so much as to know we cared enough to answer.  So we did.  And we do.

Day by day, week by week and as the seasons change their attachment to us grows as does ours to them.  Attaching in adoption can be a slow process and we're okay with that.  And a slow, steady but strong attachment has shown us how in this fast pace world, slow can be a good thing.  A beautiful thing.  As the days have been slow and the weeks have flown by we've been enjoying life the same way: fast and slow.  Appointments and bonding at home used to take up our days but now appointments and play dates are filling our time.  In November the boys came home to a brand new world, each and every thing was virtually brand new.  We slowly acclimated to all that newness with just our family.

 As the spring began to thaw out the cold ground of Ohio, we were able to slowly open our lives to our family and friends.  The same family and friends that stood by us as we waited audaciously for the boys to come home, stood in the wings waiting to meet them, get to know them and live life together once again.  I still feel like there are so many people they need to meet (did I seriously and naively think we'd have a welcome home party for them?! Ha!) and little by little they are meeting all the people in our lives.

Nine months ago I could have never told you how important it is to go slow in life.  While I'm not truly part of the rat race I was accustomed to the idea that faster is always better.  Alas, not for the first nor last time will I be wrong.  Going slow with the boys has shown me the importance of going slow in other things.  Like on walks.  I'd burn more calories and get home faster if the boys rode or walked quickly but then we'd miss out on so many things.  Following ants down the side walk, watching squirrels, waving hello to the cars that drive by.  It seems unnecessary but enjoying the small things, the slower pace of life is peaceful.
 

Getting out the door on time with these three proves to be a challenge at times.  Rushing is nothing but stressful for all four of us so now, we start earlier, move slower and there is so much more peace in our house. This going slow... it really works for our family.

Pre-family of 5 I moved slowly in the morning; I had plenty of time to do what ever needed to be done and meet the needs of Gabe.  The first few months home, while we were cocooned at home most of the time we were still moving at a very fast pace.  Life was crazy and hard, yet beautiful.  But in the busyness I was missing the beauty.  The beauty that my three sweet sons marveled at; big clouds, beautiful snow flakes, sun beams on the playroom floor barely caught my attention because I thought I had so much to do and was moving to quickly.  One day though, the dust sparkling in the sunshine that had the boys laughing and dancing, garnered my attention as well.  And I took a moment to slow down.  The dishes sat, the books were a mess but those moments were so enjoyable.  After that day in May, I made the intentional decision to slow down.  Life was speeding by, there was so much to do but it felt so good to slow down.

Slowing down didn't mean life stopped.  We still schooled, played, took adventures and made it to our appointments but we enjoyed life a little bit more.  And as we slowed I found I had more time, more energy and began to be refreshed.  When we were flitting from thing to thing with no time for my mind or body to refresh itself, slowing down gave us more time.  More time to enjoy one another; slowly we added more routine to our life; scheduled school, more activities outside the house, morning devotions for the boys and back in the routine were morning devotions for me.

You're my place of quiet retreat; I will wait for Your Word to renew me. Psalm 119:114

Renewal, slowness.  It's so unnatural but it feels so good.  While it didn't make sense to others to slowly introduce the boys to the outside world, our friends and family, play dates it made sense to us.  And while initially it was hard to purposefully slow down; to truly stop and smell the roses, it turned into something wonderful.  Slow and steady: it doesn't just work for turtles [smile].

Baby No More (said no mama ever)

He wasn't quite 8 months old the first time we saw his face.  The next 10 months we watched him grow in pictures.  June 19, 2014, he turned one.  In an orphanage, There was no one to sing him "Happy Birthday," decorate his room with balloons or pray over him as he fell asleep that night.  My heart ached as we celebrated his birthday nearly 8,000 miles away.

But not this year.  

When Samsel woke up in his own turquoise bed he was surrounded by our family tradition of birthday balloons.  He was pretty excited.  What two year old doesn't love balloons! 

 He missed out on a smash cake for his first birthday, so we added that to the menu!  Smash cake and train decorations. Family and pizza.  Just a few of Samsel's favorite things.

 Sweet boy new exactly what to do with his first birthday presents.

And cake!  He doesn't have quite the sweet tooth of his mama and oldest brother but he still seemed to enjoy his cake.  Especially after we gave him his fork. He wasn't to keen on using his hands.   

Samsel was flooded with fun presents; stuffed animals, side walk chalk, play chairs and a balance bike.  He's on the balance bike every time the garage is open!

Definitely a perfect first birthday party for our sweet two year old baby.  And you can tell me all you want that he's not a baby any more but to his mama, he most certainly is still a baby.  We have a lot of baby moments we missed that we need to make up.

Sweet boy,
Today you are two.  And today, like every day I marvel at the fact that you are ours.  You, dear Samsel, are a treasure.  A gift.  You're mischievous and smart, sweet and full of love.  Sam, you have the most tender heart when someone else is hurting and the silliest smile when you're doing something naughty.  You're full of life and start each day with a smile and the exact same question, "Daddy work?"  You love your daddy, brothers, cars and cheese.  And me.  Joining a family when you're 18 months old and have no idea what is truly going on must be impossibly hard.  I can only imagine how confused you were.  But we did it, you did it, darling boy.  Each and every day you give me and Daddy the chance to show you we love you and always will; that we'll never leave you.  And we won't.  And I'm thankful for every day that we have to prove it to you.

From the first picture we saw of you, you owned a piece of our heart.  That smile, those eyes.  You are ours.  And we sweet boy, are yours.  Forever.  Happy 2nd birthday, little one.  I can't wait to celebrate each and every one with you!

Loving well, butt shakes and joy.... that about sums it up!

There is so much I want to remember about these first few months home; so much I want to share and so much that, while I'm part of the story, it's truly not just my story to share.  Thomas and Samsel have been amazing additions to our little family but as you can imagine going from a family of three to a family of five has been no walk in the park.  There have been hard moments, good moments, sad moments and some of the most breathtakingly beautiful moments you can ever imagine.  Winning over these little hearts that have no reason to trust, no reason to love us, no reason to believe we won't leave them to is a daily journey where we do well, where we falter and where we always begin again.

Gabriel has blossomed in both the big brother and little brother roles.

His joy is contagious and has truly put Thomas and Samsel at ease.  Going from an only child to a middle child he shares without a complaint, gives to a fault and loves with abandon.  We could all take a few notes from Gabe's book of how to love people.  He loves so well and having two brothers suits him perfectly.

Samsel came home to us and quickly went from a baby to a toddler.  Having had so many caregivers in his short life, he stays close to mama.  Our relationship, his attachment is a slow curve; little by little he trusts us more.  With only learning English and being 20 months old, how do I know this? Because, negating the first week home, he is finally routinely falling asleep peacefully in our arms at night, when he gets an 'ouch' he comes and find us and he holds on a little longer, a little stronger when we hold him.  We're filling his trust bucket little by little and in return... oh my, the returns are just beautiful.  Sammy gives us the most beautiful smiles, the sassiest looks and the cutest little butt shakes you could ever imagine.  

Each day is a little different in our house... the routine may be the same but the healing, the love being found and the relationships being forged is always growing.  Adoption is beautiful but it comes from tremendous loss.  While we were not God's first choice for Thomas' parents I am so glad that He chose us for the job when the need arose.  Thomas is amazing.  He has this giggle that is equal parts infectious and heart melting.  To be 7 years old and have a lifetime of loss under your belt, but still be able to be filled with joy.  It's profound.  It's humbling.  It's of God. For the first few months, Thomas would laugh but it wasn't deep or all encompassing like it is now.

Jesus said to his disciples "These things I have spoken to you, that My joy may remain in you, and that your joy may be full" John 15:11

Thomas Uchan, he has that joy.  His joy is accompanied by a love for cars, trains, Spider-man, legos and Toy Story. You'd never know English was his third language and he has a penchant for chicken, cheeseburgers and a sweet tooth for chocolate.  He also loves fruits and vegetables, yogurt, cheese, crackers, pasta... he's our best eater by far.


Thomas is a great big brother.  Not only is he super super sweet with Samsel but he's flourishing in the role of big brother to Gabe.  He quickly learned some of Gabe's limitations and is fast to offer a helping hand or encouraging word.  Thomas spurs him forward and cheers him on when Gabe is using lefty.  I watch Thomas and Gabe together and at times can't believe they've only been brothers for four months.

 Life has begun to be a little more smooth; we have a routine, we leave the house, people come visit.  We've left the "purely surviving" mode and have entered the living and may I say,even thriving at times.  We laugh together, we learn together and slowly, bit by bit God is grafting our hearts together.

I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of him. 1 Samuel 1:27

For years we prayed for Thomas and Samsel; before they were born, before we knew their names or saw their faces, we were longing for them.  And now we have the rest of our lives to make up for the time we missed and the love they lost, to join together and find redemption in the road that brought them home.

Easy? No.
Beautiful?  Yes.
And most certainly a privilege to have two more children call me "Mommy."  Three boys!  Who would have guessed?

Airport Homecoming. Two months home.

Some nights as I lay in bed I think of a million things to share about our time since picking the boys up at their orphanage but actually opening the computer and putting them into words seems impossible.  Some of it is too sacred, some of it belongs to Thomas and Samsel as it is their story to share and then there are most days when I am too tired to even think about typing more than the usual few words pecked out on Facebook.  

Right now.  Life is hard but it is beautiful.  

We're still learning about each other and slowly Thomas and Samsel are learning to trust us.  

Bit by bit, day by day smiles get brighter, hugs are more eagerly received and our family continue to blends.  We have a lot of time to make up for together, losses to redeemed and love and trust to be found.  

Two months ago we landed in Cleveland; anxious and excited, nervous and (slightly) afraid.  But joyful, relieved and extraordinarily thankful.  

That my glory may sing your praise and not be silent.  O Lord my God, I will give thanks to you forever - Psalm 30:12

Two amazing photographers captured some of the our most precious moments as Gabe met his brothers, are friends and family met the little boys already so dear to their heart and our life as a family of five truly began.  

Gabe waiting for Thomas and Samsel

This is what a brother looks like when he first sees his new brothers.

Part of our home team.  So thankful for them. 

Biology doesn't always give you sisters but life does.  

Hannah's Hope besties together again.

These photographs.  They capture everything.  

The end to one journey and the beginning of another.

So much joy; unspeakable joy. 

And a journey like no other.  

A journey of faith and hope, love and loss, letting go and letting God lead 

us to where we needed to go.

A journey of two little boys from one side of the world to a family that they needed and a family that desperately needed them.  

Adoption comes from loss but is filled with hope.  It's nothing if not bittersweet.  So we take the bitter, we take the sweet and we keep journeying on.