Joy in the Mourning

It was 3:12 when I first looked at the clock this morning.  

I laid Samsel back in bed shortly after 1 and it felt like I had just fallen back to sleep. 

 I awoke with a start and not for the usual reason of little boy voices calling "mommy."

I woke up sad.  

And I'm not just talking a melancholy heart type of sad.

I woke up with a grieving heart and at first my mind couldn't figure out why I was so overcome with sadness. As the grogginess faded, I became more aware of the source of my grief.  

My sweet children.  

Each so precious, so loved, 

so unbelievably grafted into my heart and soul.

I continued laying in bed; not wanting to get up but unable to quell my heart. 

I said a few prayers for my little loves and tried to go back to sleep.

Sleep was elusive. 

I looked at the clock again,  it read 3:48 and I climbed out of bed;

exhausted but with an aching heart.  

I tiptoed into Sammy's room and sat in my rocker.

His fingers peeked out of the side of his crib and his breaths were so steady.

And I started to cry.  And pray.

Adoption.  

It is the most beautiful yet ugliest thing that is of the utmost necessity in this world.

Adoption.  

It is hard, 

heart breaking, 

stems from the greatest losses my kids will ever know...

And tonight, this morning, I grieve for that. 

I grieve for their losses; the ones they know and the ones they may never recognize. 

For their first families that they don't know, can't remember or maybe worse, have forgotten.

For their questions; the questions that I have no answers to and the questions that we can answer but where the answers may cause my children even more pain. 

"For the Lord will not cast off forever, but though he cause grief, he will have compassion according to the abundance of his steadfast love" Lamentations 3:31-32

I prayed over Samsel one last time; begging God to give Matt and I the proper words to soothe his heart when the time comes for him to ask these hard questions and moved on to the big boys room. 

Thomas and Gabriel.  

Their stories are vastly different but end in the same way; 

the need for adoption and them finding their way into our family.  

I am so thankful that adoption made that brought these two boys together.

Brothers. 

Brothers from two different mothers but also with the same mother.

It's complex, deep and a lot for little hearts to understand. 

As I sat on the rug between their beds I could hear both Thomas' steady breaths and Gabe's deep sighs. I read once that a way to connect with your newly adopted older child is to check on them when they're sleeping; that even though they're asleep their subconscious is aware that someone is near them; adjusting their covers, touching their cheek, quietly loving them.  So I do that every night; before I go to bed I tiptoe into their rooms and tuck them in one last time.  

Perhaps their heart will know.  Perhaps not.  It is however, good for my heart. 

I prayed for Thomas and Gabe; 

that they will always know the love we have for them and the love that God has for them. And that the love their first families had for them; that it will live in their hearts forever.  

I prayed that they will always seem themselves as we see them; beautiful and perfectly made in His image.  

I pray they don't define themselves by their adoption, their skin color or their abilities but in all knowing peace that they are loved beyond measure. 

I missed so much with each of my children but the most with Thomas.  

I will never know what his first word was, when he took his first step or what his baby giggles sounded like.  

And I grieve that; 

for me because I missed it and for him, because I can't tell him about it. 

But I will be here for many more firsts.  

I watched him ride his bike for the first time without training wheels.

I heard him read his first book.

I'll get to watch him learn to drive, graduate high school, get married and have kids. 

I'll get to see that with all of my children.  

As I rejoiced in that and sat beside their beds, my heart reminded me once again of loss. 

And this time my heart grieved for my babies first families; because they who loved them first, will miss these big moments.  

And all the little ones.

The boys will be up soon.  

First Gabe, then Samsel, then Thomas.

That's how it goes most mornings.  

They wake up one at a time but each one wakes up with so much joy. 

And as grieved as my heart is right now, I know my joy will match theirs.  

Seeing their smiles, their well rested eyes.
Hearing "good morning, Mommy" from Thomas and Gabe or "Mommy, I wake up" from Samsel; it will fill my heart with joy.

Joy always follows mourning.

And this morning, like most mornings, joy will settle on our household.  

King David wasn't kidding when he sang 

"weeping may tarry for the night, 

but joy comes with the morning" 

Psalm 30:5

As my heart begins to give me a reprieve this morning and the grief begins to abate; I sit here and remind myself that yes, adoption comes from loss; a huge loss.  

But that huge loss does not have to define my children.  

Adoption, dear ones, is hard and ugly. 

There is a daily battle in our house to continue to win the hearts and trust of our children;

to teach them that no matter what we will always love them.

But it is breathtakingly beautiful.  

To see a smile, feel an outstretched hand reach for yours, hear that first belly laugh...

It is worth every hard moment, tear and misstep.  

Adoption is about redemption; 

redeeming a lost heart, 

proving that no matter how hard, how long or how fierce the battle...

love will find a way and it will win. 

Airport Homecoming. Two months home.

Some nights as I lay in bed I think of a million things to share about our time since picking the boys up at their orphanage but actually opening the computer and putting them into words seems impossible.  Some of it is too sacred, some of it belongs to Thomas and Samsel as it is their story to share and then there are most days when I am too tired to even think about typing more than the usual few words pecked out on Facebook.  

Right now.  Life is hard but it is beautiful.  

We're still learning about each other and slowly Thomas and Samsel are learning to trust us.  

Bit by bit, day by day smiles get brighter, hugs are more eagerly received and our family continue to blends.  We have a lot of time to make up for together, losses to redeemed and love and trust to be found.  

Two months ago we landed in Cleveland; anxious and excited, nervous and (slightly) afraid.  But joyful, relieved and extraordinarily thankful.  

That my glory may sing your praise and not be silent.  O Lord my God, I will give thanks to you forever - Psalm 30:12

Two amazing photographers captured some of the our most precious moments as Gabe met his brothers, are friends and family met the little boys already so dear to their heart and our life as a family of five truly began.  

Gabe waiting for Thomas and Samsel

This is what a brother looks like when he first sees his new brothers.

Part of our home team.  So thankful for them. 

Biology doesn't always give you sisters but life does.  

Hannah's Hope besties together again.

These photographs.  They capture everything.  

The end to one journey and the beginning of another.

So much joy; unspeakable joy. 

And a journey like no other.  

A journey of faith and hope, love and loss, letting go and letting God lead 

us to where we needed to go.

A journey of two little boys from one side of the world to a family that they needed and a family that desperately needed them.  

Adoption comes from loss but is filled with hope.  It's nothing if not bittersweet.  So we take the bitter, we take the sweet and we keep journeying on. 

For our family and friends.

This Thanksgiving has our hearts overflowing with gratefulness!  Our sons our home!

These past four years we have been overwhelmed by the support of our family and friends as we waited for the arrival of Thomas and Samsel.  The road that brought us together was long, arduous and like nothing we ever expected.  And through it all you held us up.  We are grateful.

Tomorrow, Thanksgiving will mark two weeks home and after seeing many of your beautiful faces at the airport we haven't seen many people.  We are sticking close to home as much as possible and learning how to be a family of five.

Bringing adopted children into your family is glorious but there are some differences than welcoming home your baby from the hospital or ever a baby adopted at birth domestically.  These children swiftly learn who their primary caregivers are and attach to them quickly.  Children who come home through international adoption have experienced interruptions in this typical attachment process.  The loss of a child's first family can be a major trauma on their little hearts.  The good news is that we can now, as Thomas and Samsel's forever family, rebuild attachment and help them heal from these emotional wounds.  Right now, everything is new to our boys; including the dynamics of a family.  God's design is for a child to be raised with a mother and father and not in an orphanage.  Thomas and Samsel need to learn how to be part of a family and form healthy attachments with us.  The best way for us to form a parent/child bond is to be the ones to hold, snuggle, instruct, comfort and feed them.  As we continue to meet these needs, they will be able to learn that parents are safe to trust and love deeply.  Essentially, we are recreating the newborn/parent connection.  Once Thomas and Samsel start to establish this most important bond, they will then be able to branch out and create other, healthy relationships.

We will have what seems like a lot of rules and boundaries when it comes to the boys.  Please know that these decisions are prayerfully and thoughtfully made choices based on immense amounts of research and instruction from trued adoption mentors.  We will do what we believe is best to help heal their hearts and create healthy attachments.  We're sharing this with you, our friends and family so you can help us help our sons.  Here are a few ways you can help:

The first is to follow a few physical boundaries.  It will help us immensely if adults limit what is considered normal physical contact with Thomas and Samsel.  This will (for a while) include things like holding, excessive hugging and kissing.  Children from an orphange setting are prone to attach easily to anyone and everyone - which hinders the important primary relationship with parents.  Waving, blowing kisses and high fives are perfectly appropriate and welcomed!  If you really need to give someone a hug, give Gabe an extra one!  His world has changed a lot too! 

The second are is redirecting Thomas and Samsel's desire to have their physical and emotional needs met by anyone to having us meet them.  Orphans often have many caretakers and as a survival mechanism become overly charming towards all adults.  A child struggling to learn to attach may exhibit indiscriminate affection with people outside of their family unit.  This may appear harmless and just that they are "very friendly" boys but this is actually quite dangerous for the child. Asking this of you is difficult for us because we have snuggled, cared for, fed and loved so many of your children.  Please understand that we want nothing more than to have Thomas and Samsel know you and be hugged, cuddled and cherished by you.  But until they have a firm understanding of family, we would be grateful to you if you directed them to us if you see they need food, affection or comfort. 

We are incredibly blessed to have so many loved ones around us and so many people that love our sons. We are so thankful for each and everyone of you.  Thank you so much for your love and support over the past four years. 

If you have any questions, please feel free to ask!  XOXO

July and August... the rewind.

Blogging has definitely taken a back seat to waiting to go meet our boys and living life with our sweet Gabriel.  The day to day life of summer seemed long but it's hard to believe that it's already August and summer and it's beautiful weather is almost just a memory.  We made so many memories and are so excited to see what next summer hold for our family of 5!  FIVE!

But here's our summer in rewind...

Fourth of July at the Indians game followed by Fireworks.  Gabe's first!

Lots of baseball! 

A favorite pastime is stopping at playgrounds.  Close to our home or if we happen upon them while driving... Gabe loves a new place to play.

Meeting baby Anna, Gabe's newest cousin. 

Rocket launching in the front yard.

 Gabe's first Vacation Bible School!  He had so much fun and learned so much!

Golf Them Home fundraiser!

Splash park fun!

Multiple trips to the local fairs!

Pure cuteness.

Impromptu trips to an indoor water park.

The zoo with our besties.

Fun with Ethan at Dave and Busters!

Stopping at every "picture taker" we find.

Lake Erie Nature Center... Gabe's favorite exhibit is the bees.

Date night Tribe game with this handsome fellow.  And a short walk to see the world's largest outdoor chandelier.

Dancing in the rain.  There is always time to dance in the rain.  Always.

One of Gabe's birthday presents was a family pass to the aquarium and we were so excited to use it for the first time! 

Lots of time in Nonny and Papo's back yard. 

Children's Museum of Cleveland.  A fun and messy time of learning.  

 Babysitting baby Anna.  Gabe was a great help.