Baby No More (said no mama ever)

He wasn't quite 8 months old the first time we saw his face.  The next 10 months we watched him grow in pictures.  June 19, 2014, he turned one.  In an orphanage, There was no one to sing him "Happy Birthday," decorate his room with balloons or pray over him as he fell asleep that night.  My heart ached as we celebrated his birthday nearly 8,000 miles away.

But not this year.  

When Samsel woke up in his own turquoise bed he was surrounded by our family tradition of birthday balloons.  He was pretty excited.  What two year old doesn't love balloons! 

 He missed out on a smash cake for his first birthday, so we added that to the menu!  Smash cake and train decorations. Family and pizza.  Just a few of Samsel's favorite things.

 Sweet boy new exactly what to do with his first birthday presents.

And cake!  He doesn't have quite the sweet tooth of his mama and oldest brother but he still seemed to enjoy his cake.  Especially after we gave him his fork. He wasn't to keen on using his hands.   

Samsel was flooded with fun presents; stuffed animals, side walk chalk, play chairs and a balance bike.  He's on the balance bike every time the garage is open!

Definitely a perfect first birthday party for our sweet two year old baby.  And you can tell me all you want that he's not a baby any more but to his mama, he most certainly is still a baby.  We have a lot of baby moments we missed that we need to make up.

Sweet boy,
Today you are two.  And today, like every day I marvel at the fact that you are ours.  You, dear Samsel, are a treasure.  A gift.  You're mischievous and smart, sweet and full of love.  Sam, you have the most tender heart when someone else is hurting and the silliest smile when you're doing something naughty.  You're full of life and start each day with a smile and the exact same question, "Daddy work?"  You love your daddy, brothers, cars and cheese.  And me.  Joining a family when you're 18 months old and have no idea what is truly going on must be impossibly hard.  I can only imagine how confused you were.  But we did it, you did it, darling boy.  Each and every day you give me and Daddy the chance to show you we love you and always will; that we'll never leave you.  And we won't.  And I'm thankful for every day that we have to prove it to you.

From the first picture we saw of you, you owned a piece of our heart.  That smile, those eyes.  You are ours.  And we sweet boy, are yours.  Forever.  Happy 2nd birthday, little one.  I can't wait to celebrate each and every one with you!

Loving well, butt shakes and joy.... that about sums it up!

There is so much I want to remember about these first few months home; so much I want to share and so much that, while I'm part of the story, it's truly not just my story to share.  Thomas and Samsel have been amazing additions to our little family but as you can imagine going from a family of three to a family of five has been no walk in the park.  There have been hard moments, good moments, sad moments and some of the most breathtakingly beautiful moments you can ever imagine.  Winning over these little hearts that have no reason to trust, no reason to love us, no reason to believe we won't leave them to is a daily journey where we do well, where we falter and where we always begin again.

Gabriel has blossomed in both the big brother and little brother roles.

His joy is contagious and has truly put Thomas and Samsel at ease.  Going from an only child to a middle child he shares without a complaint, gives to a fault and loves with abandon.  We could all take a few notes from Gabe's book of how to love people.  He loves so well and having two brothers suits him perfectly.

Samsel came home to us and quickly went from a baby to a toddler.  Having had so many caregivers in his short life, he stays close to mama.  Our relationship, his attachment is a slow curve; little by little he trusts us more.  With only learning English and being 20 months old, how do I know this? Because, negating the first week home, he is finally routinely falling asleep peacefully in our arms at night, when he gets an 'ouch' he comes and find us and he holds on a little longer, a little stronger when we hold him.  We're filling his trust bucket little by little and in return... oh my, the returns are just beautiful.  Sammy gives us the most beautiful smiles, the sassiest looks and the cutest little butt shakes you could ever imagine.  

Each day is a little different in our house... the routine may be the same but the healing, the love being found and the relationships being forged is always growing.  Adoption is beautiful but it comes from tremendous loss.  While we were not God's first choice for Thomas' parents I am so glad that He chose us for the job when the need arose.  Thomas is amazing.  He has this giggle that is equal parts infectious and heart melting.  To be 7 years old and have a lifetime of loss under your belt, but still be able to be filled with joy.  It's profound.  It's humbling.  It's of God. For the first few months, Thomas would laugh but it wasn't deep or all encompassing like it is now.

Jesus said to his disciples "These things I have spoken to you, that My joy may remain in you, and that your joy may be full" John 15:11

Thomas Uchan, he has that joy.  His joy is accompanied by a love for cars, trains, Spider-man, legos and Toy Story. You'd never know English was his third language and he has a penchant for chicken, cheeseburgers and a sweet tooth for chocolate.  He also loves fruits and vegetables, yogurt, cheese, crackers, pasta... he's our best eater by far.


Thomas is a great big brother.  Not only is he super super sweet with Samsel but he's flourishing in the role of big brother to Gabe.  He quickly learned some of Gabe's limitations and is fast to offer a helping hand or encouraging word.  Thomas spurs him forward and cheers him on when Gabe is using lefty.  I watch Thomas and Gabe together and at times can't believe they've only been brothers for four months.

 Life has begun to be a little more smooth; we have a routine, we leave the house, people come visit.  We've left the "purely surviving" mode and have entered the living and may I say,even thriving at times.  We laugh together, we learn together and slowly, bit by bit God is grafting our hearts together.

I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of him. 1 Samuel 1:27

For years we prayed for Thomas and Samsel; before they were born, before we knew their names or saw their faces, we were longing for them.  And now we have the rest of our lives to make up for the time we missed and the love they lost, to join together and find redemption in the road that brought them home.

Easy? No.
Beautiful?  Yes.
And most certainly a privilege to have two more children call me "Mommy."  Three boys!  Who would have guessed?

Airport Homecoming. Two months home.

Some nights as I lay in bed I think of a million things to share about our time since picking the boys up at their orphanage but actually opening the computer and putting them into words seems impossible.  Some of it is too sacred, some of it belongs to Thomas and Samsel as it is their story to share and then there are most days when I am too tired to even think about typing more than the usual few words pecked out on Facebook.  

Right now.  Life is hard but it is beautiful.  

We're still learning about each other and slowly Thomas and Samsel are learning to trust us.  

Bit by bit, day by day smiles get brighter, hugs are more eagerly received and our family continue to blends.  We have a lot of time to make up for together, losses to redeemed and love and trust to be found.  

Two months ago we landed in Cleveland; anxious and excited, nervous and (slightly) afraid.  But joyful, relieved and extraordinarily thankful.  

That my glory may sing your praise and not be silent.  O Lord my God, I will give thanks to you forever - Psalm 30:12

Two amazing photographers captured some of the our most precious moments as Gabe met his brothers, are friends and family met the little boys already so dear to their heart and our life as a family of five truly began.  

Gabe waiting for Thomas and Samsel

This is what a brother looks like when he first sees his new brothers.

Part of our home team.  So thankful for them. 

Biology doesn't always give you sisters but life does.  

Hannah's Hope besties together again.

These photographs.  They capture everything.  

The end to one journey and the beginning of another.

So much joy; unspeakable joy. 

And a journey like no other.  

A journey of faith and hope, love and loss, letting go and letting God lead 

us to where we needed to go.

A journey of two little boys from one side of the world to a family that they needed and a family that desperately needed them.  

Adoption comes from loss but is filled with hope.  It's nothing if not bittersweet.  So we take the bitter, we take the sweet and we keep journeying on. 

For our family and friends.

This Thanksgiving has our hearts overflowing with gratefulness!  Our sons our home!

These past four years we have been overwhelmed by the support of our family and friends as we waited for the arrival of Thomas and Samsel.  The road that brought us together was long, arduous and like nothing we ever expected.  And through it all you held us up.  We are grateful.

Tomorrow, Thanksgiving will mark two weeks home and after seeing many of your beautiful faces at the airport we haven't seen many people.  We are sticking close to home as much as possible and learning how to be a family of five.

Bringing adopted children into your family is glorious but there are some differences than welcoming home your baby from the hospital or ever a baby adopted at birth domestically.  These children swiftly learn who their primary caregivers are and attach to them quickly.  Children who come home through international adoption have experienced interruptions in this typical attachment process.  The loss of a child's first family can be a major trauma on their little hearts.  The good news is that we can now, as Thomas and Samsel's forever family, rebuild attachment and help them heal from these emotional wounds.  Right now, everything is new to our boys; including the dynamics of a family.  God's design is for a child to be raised with a mother and father and not in an orphanage.  Thomas and Samsel need to learn how to be part of a family and form healthy attachments with us.  The best way for us to form a parent/child bond is to be the ones to hold, snuggle, instruct, comfort and feed them.  As we continue to meet these needs, they will be able to learn that parents are safe to trust and love deeply.  Essentially, we are recreating the newborn/parent connection.  Once Thomas and Samsel start to establish this most important bond, they will then be able to branch out and create other, healthy relationships.

We will have what seems like a lot of rules and boundaries when it comes to the boys.  Please know that these decisions are prayerfully and thoughtfully made choices based on immense amounts of research and instruction from trued adoption mentors.  We will do what we believe is best to help heal their hearts and create healthy attachments.  We're sharing this with you, our friends and family so you can help us help our sons.  Here are a few ways you can help:

The first is to follow a few physical boundaries.  It will help us immensely if adults limit what is considered normal physical contact with Thomas and Samsel.  This will (for a while) include things like holding, excessive hugging and kissing.  Children from an orphange setting are prone to attach easily to anyone and everyone - which hinders the important primary relationship with parents.  Waving, blowing kisses and high fives are perfectly appropriate and welcomed!  If you really need to give someone a hug, give Gabe an extra one!  His world has changed a lot too! 

The second are is redirecting Thomas and Samsel's desire to have their physical and emotional needs met by anyone to having us meet them.  Orphans often have many caretakers and as a survival mechanism become overly charming towards all adults.  A child struggling to learn to attach may exhibit indiscriminate affection with people outside of their family unit.  This may appear harmless and just that they are "very friendly" boys but this is actually quite dangerous for the child. Asking this of you is difficult for us because we have snuggled, cared for, fed and loved so many of your children.  Please understand that we want nothing more than to have Thomas and Samsel know you and be hugged, cuddled and cherished by you.  But until they have a firm understanding of family, we would be grateful to you if you directed them to us if you see they need food, affection or comfort. 

We are incredibly blessed to have so many loved ones around us and so many people that love our sons. We are so thankful for each and everyone of you.  Thank you so much for your love and support over the past four years. 

If you have any questions, please feel free to ask!  XOXO