A Walk Down Memory Lane

10 years ago today Matt and I had our first date.

Who would have thought that a single date could change your life.  Not me.  Matt has said it was love at first sight for him... for me, it was that Matt was intriguing.  He was confident but not a show off.  He was a gentlemen but not weak.  It didn't help that he was incredibly handsome. 

10 years later.

Laughter, tears, so much fun, bumps in the road.... 

I couldn't ask for a better husband or best friend.

Brad Paisley concert

Wedding

Honeymoon.  I had "monica" hair and braids were a must. 

Indians Game

The Wizarding World of Harry Potter

New Years Eve Wedding

Paris

Potted Potter! 

Indians Game

Another Indians Game

Summer Wedding.

Lately.

Toy Story Water Park.  Hours of Fun.

 Date night at the Indians game.  Love him.

Coloring.  See that balloon floating along the ground.  We bought it June 26.  Crazy!

I'm doing a couple of different Bible studies this fall.  I was super excited to do this one: The 7 Experiment: staging your own mutiny against excess by Jen Hatmaker.  More on that later.  And did you hear, Jen Hatmaker is going to TV?  HGTV is filming her family for a show to be released in 2014. Super excited about that.

Evidently, I'm loving Gabe's blue and navy striped pants.  He's wearing them again today.  [Smile].

The best entertainment at the Browns game... watching Gabe practice his walking!

In the days that followed the loss of our girl a number of friends told me to listen to a certain song.  

I'd heard it on the radio numerous times but didn't pay much attention to the lyrics.  

After the third or fourth person directed me to it, I pulled it up on youTube and listened to it.  

And cried.  

Boy did I cry.  

Then I had to stop listening to it.  

I have stopped listening to music most of the time anyways right now. 

For me music evokes strong emotions and since I primarily listen to music while I'm driving and crying and driving don't go well together, the radio is off a lot in the car these days. 

So I haven't listened to Worn by Tenth Avenue North for a few weeks now.
Not crying while I'm driving is definitely a good thing.
But I have been feeling so worn.
Last night a friend who knows about my aversion to music sent me the lyrics to Worn.

Instead of using a Veggietales song to speak to me,
He used Worn.

I've learned that the lyrics, rather heard on the radio or read in an email evoke the same emotion.
Tears.
Of course.  Tears. [Smile].
The past few days have been harder than I imagined.
I thought we were over the insanely hard days.
I was wrong.
And I am tired.

"Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends.
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn."

We're nearing two years of waiting for a referral.
It's been almost 3 years since we began the process to adopt again.
While we're still waiting and it feels like the "wait" is never going to end...
it will.
The past few weeks  friends have received referrals while other friends have received travel dates to go pick up their little ones and bring them HOME.
Redemption does win.
Sometimes it just takes longer than we'd hope.

We may be worn but we are mending.

A letter to my son

Sweet boy,

Four years ago today, I found out I was going to be your mama.  It was one of the best days of my life. 22 days later I held you in my arms and the rest was history.   We were head over heels in love.

From those first moments spent with you, I knew my life would never be the same.  My heart was fuller, the sky seemed brighter and life just brimmed with joy. 

The day you came home, I was a nervous wreck.  How could the hospital just let us leave with this sweet boy?  What if we don't know what we're doing? Amidst my joy in you coming home those thoughts kept coming to mind.  But somehow we did know what we were doing and being your mother was the most natural thing to me.  Before being your mama, I never knew where I fit into this big world.  I loved your daddy with everything that I had, but besides being a wife, I was just a feather in the wind. 

Until you. 

Our first photo!

You changed everything. 

My heart seemed to double in size and then still burst at the seams with love for you.  We love everything about you: your smile, your laugh, the way you pucker your lips when you're disobedient, how you won't get out of bed without permission, the way you ask Daddy to be an elephant and how the first thing you want to do in the morning is snuggle on the couch watching Mickey Mouse Clubhouse.

There was endless joy with watching you grow from a little baby to a toddler to the sweet little boy you are now.  Joy in seeing you light up each night your daddy comes home from work, joy in watching you use your first mode of movement: rolling over and over to get where you want to go, joy in hearing you giggle when we pull into Nonny and Papo's driveway, joy in getting to enjoy childhood a second time - through the beautiful eyes of you, sweet boy.

Pride.   Watching you accomplish things doctors weren't sure you would ever be able to do.  Rolling over, sitting up, using lefty, taking your first steps in a gait trainer, taking your first steps in a walker and then taking your first steps independently.  Pride at the way you work so hard to learn how to communicate and even more pride at the sweet, kind, spunky little boy that you've become. 

First time your daddy held you!

There's just something about you Gabriel that makes people just want to be around you.  You have the best smile that people can't seem to refuse.  You truly delight in life and make the best of any situation.  I've said it so many times in the past months, but you Gabe are a miracle.  A miracle that truly enjoys life and no matter what's going on, you just like to be part of the fun.  You live life with a reckless abandon and that's how we love you.  Recklessly.  Without abandon.  To infinity and beyond.

You, sweet boy, are kind and gentle, daring and shy, everything a little boy should be and so much more. 

Because of you, Daddy and I love deeper, bigger and know that miracles happen every day as long as you look for them.

Four years ago, I knew my dreams were coming true.  I just had no idea how awesome that dream would turn out to be. 

We love you sweet boy, more than you will ever know and more than we could ever imagine.

XOXO, Mommy

Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart. 

 Psalm 37:4

Fear Not

Lately a spirit of fear has been creeping into my heart.  Sometimes during the day but usually at night.  Late at night while I should be sleeping, thoughts about the future, the unknowns this winding world of adoption brings to us, began to create in me a spirit of fear. 

Late one night as I was praying for another adoptive mama and the situation with her son who is a world away, I began to feel fearful for them as well.  As I was dwelling on that fear and getting further and further from any remnants of a good nights rest, I slipped out of bed and went downstairs to get my bible.  Best.  Idea.  Ever.

Do you know how many verses are in the Bible that speak directly on fear; or better yet on not being fearful?  At least 50.

Some of my favorites:

For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline. 

2 Timothy 1:7

 

This is my command—be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.

Joshua 1:9

 

For I am the LORD, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.

Isaiah 41:13

 

Do not be afraid of them; the LORD your God himself will fight for you.

Deuteronomy 3:22

 

For the Lord your God is living among you. He is a mighty savior. He will take delight in you with gladness. With his love, he will calm all your fears.He will rejoice over you with joyful songs.

Zephaniah 3:17

 

The Psalms obviously spoke to me [Smile].

 

I prayed to the Lord, and he answered me. He freed me from all my fears

Psalm 34:4

 

The angel of the LORD encamps around those who fear him, and he delivers them

Psalm 34:17

 

When I am afraid, I put my trust in you

Psalm 56:3

 

He will cover you with his feathers. He will shelter you with his wings. His faithful promises are your armor and protection. Do not be afraid of the terrors of the night, nor the arrow that flies in the day. Do not dread the disease that stalks in darkness, nor the disaster that strikes at midday. Though a thousand fall at your side, though ten thousand are dying around you, these evils will not touch you.

Psalm 91:4-8

 

They do not fear bad news; they confidently trust the Lord to care for them.

Psalm 112:7

 

The LORD is with me; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?

Psalm 118:6

 

And then there's the lyrics to You Never Let God from Matt Redman.  We sing it occasionally at church, I think we sang at Created for Care and I've come to singing on verse in particular in my head through out the day

And I will fear no evil
For my God is with me
And if my God is with me
Whom then shall I fear?
Whom then shall I fear?

 

Here's the whole song:

 



 

God did not create a spirit of fear in me and every so often I'm finding myself in the notes section of my phone rereading these verses and reminding myself of just that.  

Seven

From there....

 

The best man being funny...

The best man being slightly inappropriate!

 

 

 

 To here....

 

It seems nearly impossible that 7 years have passed since we said "I do" in front of God and our family and friends. 

We were so young and in love.  We're still completely in love just not quite as young.  Perhaps even 7 years older - ha!

I am so thankful the Lord gave me Matt.  He is everything that I'm not and so much more.  Matt is my anchor in this crazy world of adoption and parenthood and always helps keep me strong when I just want to be weak. 

I'm crazy in love with him and can't wait to see what the next 7, err 50 years bring!

Thoughts for Mother's Day

Growing up I loved celebrating Mother's Day.  I have the most wonderful mom so it was exciting to spend the day pampering her (read: making her not-so-tasty breakfast in bed and leaving the dishes for her to clean up) and giving her homemade cards and presents. 

Mother's Day was all about sunshine and rainbows and happiness.

Then I became an adult.  I did adult things.  I graduated college.  Matt and I were married.  And then we wanted children.  Logical right?  Yes!  Easy?  Not so much.

That first mother's day, when I should have been a mother stung.  My arms were empty, my heart was hurting.  All around me women were having babies, becoming mothers.  It seemed like I couldn't go anywhere without seeing a pregnant woman, a baby in a stroller or a happy family walking together.  It wasn't that there were more happy families around me, it was just that I was much more acutely aware of what we were missing.  Matt and I were happy together but just missing something we didn't even fully understand yet. 

The following Mother's Days were just as hard.  I cried the days leading up to Mother's Day.  I cried at church when the pastor would acknowledge all of the mother's present.  Didn't they know I wanted to be a mom?  Didn't they realize, that on so many levels, I already was a mom?  On Mother's Day 2009, I apologized to my mom before hand but told her that I just couldn't handle celebrating mother's day.  Thankfully, she understood.  And we skipped church.

Gabriel entered our life a little over three months later and then I was a finally a mother.  Surely Mother's Day would be a happy day for me from now on.  Love, marriage, baby... my life was complete.

But then the calendar turned to May and Mother's Day was looming ahead.  Expectedly, I was excited to celebrate my first Mother's Day with Gabe but there was another feeling, a feeling I didn't expect but couldn't get past. 

That feeling was grief. 

Grief that there was now another mother out there not celebrating Mother's Day.  A mother who's child I rock to sleep, watch grow and love deeply - Gabe's birth mother.  There was grief for Gabe that he wouldn't be able to celebrate with her the amazing gift of life that she gave him or that I couldn't thank her for the amazingly selfless gift of love she gave us. 

And that's the impossible chasm I try to reconcile each and every Mother's Day.  Celebrating the wonderful gift of being a mother while grieving the fact that my children will always, in some way, be missing the love of their birth mother. 

The older I get the more aware I become of the painful side of Mother's Day.  My dearest friends and I understand the pain, loss and waiting that comes with motherhood.  I have friends that have waited many, many years to bring their first little one home and friends that may never become a mothers.
I grew up hearing how hard ( and joyful) motherhood is but no one ever shared that it would actually be hard becoming a mother. 

This Mother's Day as I celebrate my wonderful mom, I'm going to give thanks for Miss B and the sacrificial gift she gave me.  I'm going to pray for her and all of the birth mothers of the children that will eventually join our family.  I'm going to be praying for all of my friends that are waiting; those that have seen the face of their little one and are waiting for them to get home, those that are longing for a plus sign on that stupid stick, those that are struggling through a loss that words, scripture and faith can never truly make sense of. 

Mother's Day is a day of celebration.  It is also a very difficult day for many people.  Until you've been on that difficult side, you probably never knew it existed.  Now you do, and just maybe when  you see the woman hurry out of service with tears on her cheeks, you'll understand why.

This weekend.

This weekend was amazing.

I am processing everything.  Everything I learned.  Everything I felt.  Everything I received. 

I laughed (a lot), cried (a lot) and met some of the women I hold closest in my heart.  For the first time.  Yes it was little weird to see some one's face, glance at their name tag and then immediately throw your arms around them.  Weird, but the best kind of weird imaginable.

I came home rested, refreshed and rejuvenated. 

Learning, connecting and basking in God's presence filled my time away.

I came home to my sweet son who only snubbed me briefly and my wonderful husband who somehow knows exactly what I need and supports my time away even if it means a lot more work for him. 

More to come once I'm done processing.  I'm a slow processor and am just reveling in the goodness Created for Care brought me. 

Thankful Thursday Volume 6

One week from today I will be arriving in Atlanta where I will meet some of my dearest friends for the first time!  Sounds irrational that I'm meeting dear friends for the first time but that is the blessing of the Internet and adoption networking. 

 

I am so grateful for the opportunity to be able to go to this conference; to learn how to be a better mama to my little one(s), to refresh my spirit with worship and moments with God and to connect with other adoption loving, orphan advocating, God fearing women.  I'm not sure if I'll laugh, cry or both when I meet some of these amazing women. 

Matt will be taking Friday off work and spend the weekend answering to the boss man, I mean, Gabe [smile].   I'm a little anxious about leaving Gabe, but so thankful that I won't have to worry about him for the weekend.  Matt is an awesome daddy and I'm certain Gabe is going to request I leave more often after all the fun he'll have on his "boys only" weekend. 

Excited.  Thankful.  Blessed.  That just about sums it up.

My Safe Harbour

I'm back in my safe harbor; the place I know, grew up in and always thought of as home. 

But the 19 months away changed it some how. 

My parents live 5 minutes away again, my lovelies within last minute I-need-to-see-you-now-distance, my nephews are once again now huggable close, yet things are different. 

Maybe it's less that things are different, and I am different. 

My safe harbor, the one that used to resonate in this place has moved and is now found in people:

~Friends that text me at all hours of the day to make me smile, ask a question,

share a thought or just check-in,

~Sisters that meet me in a heartbeat when I need a favor,

~Family that meets for last minute dinners

~Late night Internet conversations with women I haven't met in

 person but know me better than most

~People that know just when I need a boost and surprise me with kind words, a sweet card or even an awesome t-shirt to remind me to SHINE.

 

These people are my safe harbor.  My safe harbor looks a little different that I imagined it would.  But this difference isn't a bad thing.  Friendships that I thought would last the length of time, didn't but were replaced with people that know me better than I could have ever imagined.  People that know what my heart beats for, how to love me and more importantly, how to welcome me in and let me love them. 

 

Having a safe harbor (or a home team) is one of the most important things you can do for yourself.  Cultivating friendships and going through life with people rather than alone is one of the most important things you can do for yourself. 

 

Helen Keller said it best when she said "“I would rather walk with a friend in the dark, than alone in the light."  And I can only know she's right because I have friends that have joined me in the darkness.   Friends that have seen my pain and rather than walk away, enveloped themselves in it.  People that have seen me at my ugliest and my most bitter times and have still stood next to me.  Those that have carried me when I couldn't move forward or have let me carry them when they too needed someone.

 

I am so grateful to be home.  And although this move to Houston made me re-evaluate truly what (and where) home is, being back amidst people that know you and love you anyways is beautiful.  The difference from life before we moved and to life as we moved back here is that I now know the resounding  importance of my friends.  That life can change quickly and only the relationships that you actively invest in will remain.  These relationships will change as well, but with a little work they will remain strong.  As a woman and a mom, I need these relationships and these friendships.  And I need to invest in them whole heartily; my time, my laughter, and my tears.  I am so blessed to have such wonderful friendships. I am looking forward to see how they grow in this coming year.

 

“There is nothing I would not do for those who are really my friends. I have no notion of loving people by halves, it is not my nature.” - Jane Austen (Northanger Abbey)



Grace and the Hard Stuff

This past week has been one of the most emotionally difficult week I've had in all my 30 years.  I'm not sure why, but I just didn't expect it to be this insanely difficult. Like an anonymous blog comment pointed out, we had never met or held little A so why is this so hard?  It's so hard because in those 6 days we thought he was ours, our hearts had already begun to dream and plan for him.  Just like a newly pregnant mother muses about the child growing in her belly, I was dreaming about the child growing in our hearts.

But amongst the heartache there has been also been a lot of truth spoken.  I have been so encouraged by the family and friends who are praying with us, sending thinking of you texts and when they've come across a scripture verse they've found to be encouraging forwarding that as well. 

Now let's be honest, I truly appreciate the prayers and the text messages and phone calls seem to always come just when I need them most; just when the grief or pain becomes to strong to bear alone.  But as for the scripture, well, I tend to ignore those messages until my mind is a little clearer and I want to read them.  I'm sure I should read them immediately after receiving them but I just can't seem to bring myself to read them.  I know they will bring me comfort but at times, I don't want the comfort.  I don't want to be reminded that God is in control or this is all part of His plan.  Because when your pain is intense and your grief runs deep, the platitudes and hopeful scriptures seem trite.

So I let myself rage just a little bit longer until the intense pain peeks and then wanes.  It is at that time that I feel like I'm able to read a scripture verse or two; to find hope in the one who gives all hope.

Right now though, I keep repeating this verse and clinging to the part where the Lord said "My grace is sufficient for you" 

Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. 

But he said to me,

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." 

Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses,

so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 

2 Corinthians 12:8-9

 

The past few days people have told me that we're handling this situation with so much grace.  I'm not seeing it.  Maybe because I'm looking at everything from the other side of the mirror.  I feel the hurt, I'm listening to my inner voice dissecting every thought I have and I am not feeling full of grace. 

 

But grace is a funny thing.  God gives it freely to us but it's a concept so foreign to human nature that it's hard to accept.  I try so hard to give grace to those around me, especially to Gabe.  I want Gabe to grow up to be a well mannered and sweet boy who loves God but I don't want him to think he needs to be perfect.  And that's where grace comes in... if we can teach Gabe about grace at a young age, maybe, just maybe Gabe will be able to accept God's unconditional grace when he's older. 

 

So we're trying to teach Gabe grace and we try to show grace to others around us, but this accepting grace for myself, well right now, with losing our referral and life continuing to move forward.. it's hard.  Really hard.  I know God is being graceful towards us, just the fact that I get out of bed each morning after getting little sleep and praying for peace throughout the night, shows just how plentiful his grace is towards me. 

 

But I'm struggling with showing grace to myself.  If I'm sad, I get upset with myself that I just can't be happy that Little A has a forever family.  When I can't sleep, I berate myself for being too emotional.  Texts go unanswered, phone calls ignored because it takes too much energy to act normal and then I get mad at myself that I can't just get over this. 

So it's like I said, this grace thing is tricky as is losing a referral.  And right now, I just don't feel like I have a lot of grace left to give and especially none to give myself.  Which is why 2 Corinthians 12:8 is so important.  While my grace is waning, His grace is more than enough.  For me, for you.  And it's from His grace that I'm going to dip into and let myself grieve without feeling guilty, cry freely for my pain but rejoice equally for little A's new family.

 

This part of adoption, of life is hard.  But somehow, with the amazing love and support we've received... I can see a little bit of the beauty hiding behind the hard stuff.  

 

And the fact that I can still see that beauty hidden there is a forceful reminder that God is good.  And he is good. 



trying...

I read this early this morning, like 2:15 early:

"When life is sweet, say thank you and celebrate. And when life is bitter, say thank you and grow." — Shauna Niequist

Really struggling with that whole thank you part... and sure hoping I'll grow.

Wrestlin' and The Claw

Gabe loves wrestling with his daddy. 

Every evening when Matt gets home Gabe makes one of two requests: 

"basketball Jones daddy?" or "wrestle daddy?"

And when the wrestling is done....

in comes Mommy with the Claw.

The Claw is compliments of Uncle Matt.

I won't even attempt the "Jaq di day,"

that is all up to Uncle Matt.

Watching Gabe and Matt wrestle.... takes 2nd place as the highlight of my day.

The true highlight? 

Listening to Matt pray with Gabe before bed.

Books and Thoughts

Last weekend I read Infinitely More by Alex Krutov and Jackie Davis.

Today I read the first 3 chapters of Jen Hatmaker's 7: An Experimental Mutiny Against Excess.  I'm sure I'll finish it by the end of the weekend.  Unbeknown st to my awesome husband, I'm thinking I (we) may be taking up some of her challenges.

Both books are great reads.  And convicting.  Very convicting.

Matt and I have been talking about the need for us to do something.  Something that matters.  Something more than just the day-to-day life we've been living. 

The nutrition center in La Libretad continues to play into my thoughts on a regular basis.  How can we fill the bellies of more children that are going to bed hungry tonight?

I feel like I'm in one of those places where God is nudging me forward, but I'm just not sure what we're stepping forward into. 

Song for a child

Mother, oh Mother, come shake out your cloth, Empty the dustpan, poison the moth, Hang out the washing and butter the bread, Sew on a button and make up a bed. Where is the mother whose house is so shocking? She’s up in the nursery, blissfully rocking.

Oh, I’ve grown shiftless as Little Boy Blue (Lullaby, rockaby, lullaby loo). Dishes are waiting and bills are past due (Pat-a-cake, darling, and peek, peekaboo). The shopping’s not done and there’s nothing for stew And out in the yard there’s a hullabaloo But I’m playing Kanga and this is my Roo. Look! Aren’t her eyes the most wonderful hue? (Lullaby, rockaby, lullaby loo).

The cleaning and scrubbing will wait till tomorrow, For children grow up, as I’ve learned to my sorrow. So quiet down, cobwebs. Dust go to sleep. I’m rocking my baby and babies don’t keep.

~Ruth Hulburt Hamilton

This little boy...

... is getting bigger everyday. So even though the housework calls, I prefer to play basketball, build with blocks, fingerpaint and color, read books in tents and make Thomas and Toby race through an obstacle course. The cleaning and laundry will be here tomorrow, but Gabe he changes each and every day. Gabe and I are going to make the most of the time we have together!