miracle vs Miracle...

It took more than a month before I was able to put my thoughts to paper (or blank post page). Some of my delay had to do with not knowing how to phrase how I was thinking, but some of it had to do with my pride.

Pride is a funny thing; it sneaks up on you when you don't expect it, in places it doesn't belong and when its not wanted. After getting the results of Gabe's MRI, I heard countless times about the wonderful results, countless 'Thank you God's," and how happy we must be. But I wasn't happy, and while I wasn't thanking God Gabe was tumorless, I couldn't fathome the thought of the confirmation of schizencephaly to be wonderful news.

You see, prior to getting these results I was expecting a miracle. I expected the nurse to say that the MRI found nothing, that there was no evidence of schizencephaly, agensis of his corpus callousum or brain dysplasia. Gabe's brain being perfect was the miracle I expected... and I'd be lying if I said, hearing the results we were given let me down.

And I couldn't admit I was let down; that these wonderful results weren't what I wanted. That this was not the miracle I was wanting, no expecting. So I rejoiced on the outside, and I was happy. Happy that Gabe's case of schizencephaly was the best (or least formidable) type to have, that there was nothing tumorwise causing his eye problems and that his corpus callousum is whole. But I was still disappointed. And knowing what a blessing Gabe is, besides feeling disappointed, I felt guilty. Guilty that I was disappointed in hearing Gabe's results, disappointed in the miracle that was before me, that I just wasn't completely seeing.

I never lost sight of the miracle that is Gabe. Gabe should be paralyzed (at least partially) on his left side but he's not. Gabe could have been born disfigured, with many immediate problems but he was born perfect. Maybe not medically perfect, but perfect to us and perfect to God's plan.

Ahh, yes, God's plan. That is the part I forgot. The miracle I was expecting, needing was not part of God's plan. God's plan was for Gabriel to be made as he is, in His perfect way.

And, boy let me tell you, it's humbling to realize that you thought you knew better than God. To go before God, letting go of your pride,and admitting you were wrong. I became caught up in socidety thinking that the only way everything would be perfect, would be if Gabe was 'medically perfect.' But Gabe is perfect; perfectly made how God wanted him and I wouldn't want him any other way.

Besides being disappointed in the results, I was fearful. Afraid of the future,afraid of the obstacles Gabe could possibly face, afraid of the unknown. But sometimes, once you realize you fears, admit you have them and pray about them... they seem less all encompassing.

I sought the Lord, and he answered me, and delivered me from all my fears - Psalm 34:4

I'm not fearful for Gabe's future, for I know now more than ever, that as long as Gabe has his faith he'll be okay. And Gabe will be different. His schizencephaly may or may not make him different, but his spirit, his faith and his love for Jesus will. I pray that Gabe will grow up to be a faithful Christain boy; that being different for Gabe doesn't relate to what he's missing but to the light that will shine out from his inside.

Pablo Casais said "The child must know that he is a miracle, that since the beginning of the world there hasn't been, and until the end of the world there will not be, another child like him."

I could list the thousands of reasons that Gabe is a miracle to me but instead I'll just leave you with some physical evidence of my miracle.

Boy do I love this boy - God definately knew that Gabe was the miracle I needed August 18th.