Saturday, March 21, 2009

I'm feeling.... GREEN

I have a philosophy that you’re favorite color is reflective of who you are; you’re personality, disposition, attitude, that kind of thing. For the most part my favorite color is pink, let that say what it will about my personality but I just really like the color pink and a lot of times I feel “pink.” My favorite color changes sometimes but always goes back to the color pink (I know this sounds weird, but hey, it’s me). Frequently my favorite color will transition to green or brown. I’m not sure why it would change to those two colors but it does. Maybe because I like the all-natural, organic fresh things in life or because I’m all about going green, saving the planet. But lately, this week especially, my favorite color returned to green and not in the earth loving, all-natural green. But in the green with envy, green-eyed monster type of green.

I consider myself a fairly content person, I have what I need and am so thankful for that. I’ve never really been jealous of what other people have and while like every person There are always some things I want (like the new
Amazon Kindle… hello, any avid reader would love that) but I’m truly reasonable knowing the differences between wants and needs, so the green-eyed monster doesn’t rarely rear his (or her) ugly head. But it has and it makes me feel horrible. I hate feeling jealous, it’s totally not me but I haven’t figured out how to shake the feeling.

And I’m not jealous over what other people have, but rather what I’m lacking. Just this past week one of my dearest friends gave birth to her first child: WS. I’m not jealous of WS or his Mommy, but rather I’m jealous that my child will not have the bond to WS that I had/have with NS (WS’ mommy). We were friends are whole lives, grew up secure in each other’s friendship. Growing up we always talked about the friendship our children would share and now they won't. So, I’m not jealous of NRS but rather on what could've been, what we’re going to miss out on. Sounds silly, even to me, but that’s just how it is.

The green-eyed monster jumps front in center when I see a very pregnant woman and gets even uglier when said pregnant woman isn’t grateful or excited to be having a baby. Don’t they know how excited and grateful I would be if I we were expecting a baby… or near a point where a birthmother had chosen us. I hate that darn green-eyed monster but I’m not sure how to get rid of him.

But I think that the times I feel most jealous are when have that uncanny ability to just “get” pregnant. Not trying, not even wanting a child and being blessed immeasurably. And I’m not talking about married couples that are just leaving a family up to God because that’s the kind of couple I thought we’d be or exisiting families. I'm talking about those people, who's reason only God knows, gets pregnant when they are totally unable and unprepared to love and take care of a child. (And unfortunately I find myself judging those people, and that is totally unchristian and I'm ashamed to admit that online). Instead we’re waiting to be chose by one of the “lucky” people who can just “get” pregnant but realizes that they are unable to give their child the life they deserve and does the most incredibly unselfish act of creating a plan of adoption for their child. To these people I’m not so much as jealous as I am grateful: because whether they choose us or not, they are blessing one family immeasurably with their gift of choosing adoption and giving their child a better start at life than they can offer.

So here I sit, trying to figure out a way to overcome my jealous knowing jealousy is a very ungodly feeling. But in my heart I know God is in control and he has the perfect baby waiting for us; I suppose patience is not natural for me, just like jealousy doesn’t come naturally either. So now I wait; working on the whole green issue, learning more patience, and just looking forward to the time we have a family.

"I wait quietly before God, for my hope is in Him." Psalm 62:5

Hoping to feel pink again very soon, Meredith

Monday, March 9, 2009

life book

Life book:

So we've begun....
Paper for lifebook: selected, bought and ready to go
Pictures for lifebook: picked out or written down to be
taken in the VERY near future
Lifebook pages put in order, topics and pictures

That list makes me feel like we've made actual progress but as I sat on my laptop for a full two hours this evening I couldn't decide what to write to fill the pages, to describe us, our life, what we can offer and why she should choose us. In my heart the words flow seamlessly but the second my fingers start typing the words get jumbled, confusing and sound nothing but pretentious. How in the world do you adequately describe why someone should choose you as the parents for their baby? What could I possibly write that could convey how much Matt and I want a family, how ready we are and how much we'll love our child....

Maybe I don't understand what to say because I don't think I would ever be able to make that type of decision; a decision so selfless and so generous that it dwarfs any gift I could ever possibly give someone.

So I'll keep sitting here, trying to type, wondering if what we're putting in our lifebook will be the reason that a birth mother chooses us, hoping we're doing it right and praying that our lifebook reaches the birth mother of the baby God has planned for us.

God Bless, Meredith

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Another Wednesday Meeting

And following the trend of meeting with our lawyer on Wednesdays (or every other Wednesday) we met with MCB this afternoon. It was a wonderfully productive meeting and now we are armed with all of the information needed to finish our life book. And that means, after we've put it together, we'll show MCB the finished product for one last check (she is our life book expert) and then we'll haul it off to Kinko's to get copied and then we'll be ready to go! Not that we aren't already totally ready to adopt RIGHT NOW, but we'll be officially ready! Exciting, isn't it?

I'm so excited to scrapbook our life book, if anyone has made one before and has any pointers, any help would be greatly appreciated!

Love & Blessings,

Monday, March 2, 2009

Family is Love

I hate making decisions. I would rather go to a restaurant I don't like or watch a movie I could care less about seeing then make a decision. But some decisions can't be made by anyone else and so I (or we) spent a lot of time praying, a little time talking and decided that we're going to keep our case at DCFS as adoptive parents only. Matt spoke to CW#3 today and she's going to let her boss know our decision and then I think that we'll be transfered (again), get another new caseworker (CW#4) and then start the waiting game with DCFS (again). While we are 100% sure of our decision I feel a little bit guilty. Guilty that we have a home waiting for a child and aren't open to any child, guilt that we're being choosy and guilt that I care more about my feelings than the welfare of a child. But we know that this is the right decision for us; that fostering will be in our future but is not right for us right now

We're also coming closer to playing the waiting game with our lawyer MCB. Wednesday we have our last official meeting with MCB and then we just have to finish our life book and we'll be ready to go. Prayerfully, we'll be able to have our life book ready soon and available to prospective birth mothers.

Along with deciding against fostering (for now) and reading the book Adoption; Choosing It, Living It, Loving It Matt and I are even more secure in the fact that our family is not going to look like your typical American family. God is leading us to adopt and love any child he puts in our path and that's what we are going to do. Regardless the race, when God puts a child on our path we are going to embrace him (or her), love him and cherrish the family God gave us. The family God gave us may end up looking more like a meeting of junior United Nations delegates but it's not skin color, culture or blood that makes up a family, it's love.

Love is what my family is made up of, mostly. I always loved my brothers but age and gender differences sometimes allienated our closeness. Growing up I could list my best friends in seconds and the names Matthew and Michael never came up, but I've found friendships don't always last, the love between siblings never ends. And while I was raised with only two brothers I now have 4 more "siblings" in my family. Matt has 3 younger brothers and when we were married, I suppose I inherited them too. It's fun being an older sister; we try to be helpful and I love to cook them dinner and send them home with leftovers. But moreover I would do anything I could to help them and I know they'd do the same. I never wanted a sister ( I loved being the only girl, total princess complex) but when Michael married Annie, she inherited me. And while we'll never have the relationship of sisters who grew up together, she is my sister in my heart, where it matters most.

And that's what I want us to give to our family, love. No matter our differences or lack of matching genetic make-up, the one true component of family is love.

Love & Prayers,