All that I want...

I’ve never been a huge fan of Kellie Coffey but on my way home from my brother’s birthday dinner I heard her song I Would Die for That.

Jenny was my best friend.
Went away one summer.
Came back with a secret
She just couldn't keep.
A child inside her,
Was just too much for her
So she cried herself to sleep.

And she made a decision
Some find hard to accept.
To young to know that one day
She might live to regret.

But I would die for that.
Just to have one chance
To hold in my hands
All that she had.
I would die for that.

I've been given so much,
A husband that I love.
So why do I feel incomplete?
With every test and checkup
We're told not to give up.
He wonders if it's him.
And I wonder if it's me.

All I want is a family,
Like everyone else I see.
And I won't understand it
If it's not meant to be.

Cause I would die for that.
Just to have one chance
To hold in my hands
All that they have.
I would die for that.

And I want to know what it's like
To bring a dream to life.
For that kind of love,
What I'd give up!
I would die for that.

Sometimes it's hard to conceive,
With all that I've got,
And all I've achieved,
What I want most
Before my time is gone,
Is to hear the words
"I love you, Mom."

I would die for that.
Just to have once chance
To hold in my hands
What so many have
I would die for that.

And I want to know what it's like
To bring a dream to life.
How I would love
What some give up.
I would die ...I would die for that.

These lyrics, while in retrospect seem quite melodramatic, speak to the essence of my being. I would give anything to be a mom and have a family.

This weekend was spent with my extended family; people I love, that I miss so much as distance and life separate us a little bit more each year. Every time we get together I’m stunned by how much everyone has changed, grownup and fast-forwarded through life since the last time we were together. The biggest change I noticed this visit was that everyone has a child. While I’m incredibly happy for my cousins, but as thrilled as I was while I watched what wonderful parents they are it was hard not to wonder when it would be my turn, when I would have a baby to hold, a child to call me mama.

I hate feeling like life isn’t fair and I know that God never said life would be fair, that He never even said it would be easy, but sometimes it’s just hard to wonder why people who desperately want to have a child are unable too yet there are parents out there who abuse their children, abandon them or decide not to keep them and have an abortion. Alls we want is a child to love… I didn’t know it would be this hard.

However I do know that this journey to parenthood will be totally worth it the second we hold our baby in our arms. And until then I’ll keep Roman’s 8:28 close to my heart, "and we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."

Tomorrow we meet with our new caseworker from DCFS, if you would pray that this meeting is more productive than the last and that Matt and I are comfortable with wherever this meeting leads.

Love & Blessings, Meredith