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Our winding road toward a family seemed to be on cruise control. Everything was going smoothly with MCB, we had two meetings left and then the waiting (and praying) game would begin… and while we are now only 1 meeting away from being “adoption ready” with MCB we have, of course, come upon another fork in the road.
Our last meeting with the DCFS was an eye-opening, heart wrenching mess. Our caseworker (CW#2) was brutally honest (which we did appreciate) but who’s attitude was so uncouth that Matt and I felt blind-sided, betrayed and left with little hope for ever adopting out of the county. CW#2 informed us that only way we’d get a child under the age of 5 was if we first became foster parents. The idea of becoming a foster parent petrifies me; to fall in love with a child, hold them for a few months (or years) and then to have to give them back tears at my heartstrings even now, without ever having held that child.
Tuesday night Matt and I met with our temporary DCFS caseworker (cw#3). CW#3 was wonderful. While still completely honest, she presented the information we needed in a way that was easy to understand and also easy to receive. Again we were presented with the information that it would be nearly impossible to adopt a child (especially one in our specified age range) out of the system and that we could wait for years without hearing anything at all. And again CW#3 spoke of foster care. Instinctively I stopped listening, allowing her the opportunity to drone on but solidifying my resolve against foster care. Unfortunately, or fortunately, when I could no longer hear her, I could hear Him. My heart flooded with Jeremiah 29:11 and I began to listen again.
Now Matt and I are at a crossroads of sorts. We desperately long for a family and while I whole-heartedly agree with Alfred Lord Tennyson's poem that states 'Tis better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all,’ I’m just not sure we, or more appropriately, I can withstand that type of loss.
So we’ve begun to pray; that God makes His Will clear to us, that we make the right decision and that we can live with whatever decision we make. As we pray, I selfishly ask for you to pray for us as well; that we learn God’s will, that all facets of our adoption process move forward and that we have a family soon.
Leaving you with the verse that I’m trying to let lead me: "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11.
Love & Blessings, Meredith