Saturday, March 21, 2009

I'm feeling.... GREEN

I have a philosophy that you’re favorite color is reflective of who you are; you’re personality, disposition, attitude, that kind of thing. For the most part my favorite color is pink, let that say what it will about my personality but I just really like the color pink and a lot of times I feel “pink.” My favorite color changes sometimes but always goes back to the color pink (I know this sounds weird, but hey, it’s me). Frequently my favorite color will transition to green or brown. I’m not sure why it would change to those two colors but it does. Maybe because I like the all-natural, organic fresh things in life or because I’m all about going green, saving the planet. But lately, this week especially, my favorite color returned to green and not in the earth loving, all-natural green. But in the green with envy, green-eyed monster type of green.

I consider myself a fairly content person, I have what I need and am so thankful for that. I’ve never really been jealous of what other people have and while like every person There are always some things I want (like the new
Amazon Kindle… hello, any avid reader would love that) but I’m truly reasonable knowing the differences between wants and needs, so the green-eyed monster doesn’t rarely rear his (or her) ugly head. But it has and it makes me feel horrible. I hate feeling jealous, it’s totally not me but I haven’t figured out how to shake the feeling.

And I’m not jealous over what other people have, but rather what I’m lacking. Just this past week one of my dearest friends gave birth to her first child: WS. I’m not jealous of WS or his Mommy, but rather I’m jealous that my child will not have the bond to WS that I had/have with NS (WS’ mommy). We were friends are whole lives, grew up secure in each other’s friendship. Growing up we always talked about the friendship our children would share and now they won't. So, I’m not jealous of NRS but rather on what could've been, what we’re going to miss out on. Sounds silly, even to me, but that’s just how it is.

The green-eyed monster jumps front in center when I see a very pregnant woman and gets even uglier when said pregnant woman isn’t grateful or excited to be having a baby. Don’t they know how excited and grateful I would be if I we were expecting a baby… or near a point where a birthmother had chosen us. I hate that darn green-eyed monster but I’m not sure how to get rid of him.

But I think that the times I feel most jealous are when have that uncanny ability to just “get” pregnant. Not trying, not even wanting a child and being blessed immeasurably. And I’m not talking about married couples that are just leaving a family up to God because that’s the kind of couple I thought we’d be or exisiting families. I'm talking about those people, who's reason only God knows, gets pregnant when they are totally unable and unprepared to love and take care of a child. (And unfortunately I find myself judging those people, and that is totally unchristian and I'm ashamed to admit that online). Instead we’re waiting to be chose by one of the “lucky” people who can just “get” pregnant but realizes that they are unable to give their child the life they deserve and does the most incredibly unselfish act of creating a plan of adoption for their child. To these people I’m not so much as jealous as I am grateful: because whether they choose us or not, they are blessing one family immeasurably with their gift of choosing adoption and giving their child a better start at life than they can offer.

So here I sit, trying to figure out a way to overcome my jealous knowing jealousy is a very ungodly feeling. But in my heart I know God is in control and he has the perfect baby waiting for us; I suppose patience is not natural for me, just like jealousy doesn’t come naturally either. So now I wait; working on the whole green issue, learning more patience, and just looking forward to the time we have a family.

"I wait quietly before God, for my hope is in Him." Psalm 62:5

Hoping to feel pink again very soon, Meredith


Maya said...

Don't worry about feeling green, we all feel that way sometimes. You will feel back to you're little pink self soon. God Bless You.

Becky said...

Meredith, you have pretty much summed up the feelings that I went through during our infertility and wait to adopt...except you're doing a much better job of focusing on God and His plan than I was ever able to do.

I remember one particular time when a co-worker told me that she wished she'd never gotten pregnant, and all I could do was think, why God? Why this person, who doesn't even want this incredible gift, and not us who have prayed and cried and yearned for a child to hold in our arms? And to be honest, I'm not sure that I ever "heard" an answer at that point. What I DO know is that He blessed us with the children we were meant to parent. They simply were not yet born at that time!

God has a plan for you. And I bet it's a BIG one. The green may be overwhelming at the moment, but I know that your pink days will return. I'm keeping you in my prayers!