Hope

A year ago today I thought that all my hope was gone. We had a visit from a new caseworker; one who enlightened us on the fact that the program our initial caseworker told us about, the foster-adopt program, did not exist. And while we didn't appreciate the cold and abrupt approach she had, we did appreciate her honesty. We needed to know the truth.



But the pain that overcame me when she told us that unless we fostered first there was no chance we would ever have a child under the age of 3 was paralyzing. Utterly paralyzing. I remember sitting in our spare room (the one with the state required crib, toys and other infant necessities) rocking back and forth just trying to hold myself together. And failing miserably. After lots of tears and consoling by my always strong husband, I managed to get it together, but for the first time in my life, I felt hopeless.



Christmas last year was not something I enjoyed, but endured. Leaving Christmas Eve service early was necessary to my resolve to appear unbroken. It hurt so hard to see all of the families at service together, wondering when we would have a family of our own at church service. However, those reasons, the reasons I felt broken and hopeless had nothing to do with my relationship with the God but with the world. Like so many other times, I put my hope in the world, instead of in Him and on December 23, 2008 I lost that hope.



And somehow we made it through Christmas and into the new year. The new year led us to a renewed passion for a family. We met MCB and began a new adoption journey. Then we found AGCI and our hearts were pulled to adopt from Ethiopia. But it wasn't these new steps toward a family we'd taken that began to give me my hope back. It wasn't the family and friends that stood next to me to help me carry my burden or the encouragement they provided, although that helped.



What changed was I made the decision to no longer place some of my hope in the world. After reading Lamentations 3: 19-27:



I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall

I remember them, and my soul is downcast within me.

Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope:

Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed,

for his compassions never fail.

They are new every morning; great is thy faithfulness.

I say to myself, "The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.



The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him,

to the one who seeks him;

it is god to wait patiently for the salvation of the Lord.

It is good for a man to bear the yoke while he is young.



and really listening to the Lord, I made the concious decison to put all of my hope in God. And placing that hope in Him made all the difference. I was able to pull myself up from my personal pit of despair, delve deep for patience and find peace in prayer. But it was still hard for me to be happy. Until the internet daily devotional I subscribe to sent me this:



Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation and constant in prayer. Romans 12:12



After reading that I decided that while life wasn't where I thought it would be, it was where it was supposed to be and I would do a better job with hoping, patience and praying. Ask Matt, I am totally the prayerer of the family. Not that Matt doesn't pray but I pray all the time. And this Christmas while my hope has been restored and my own personal miracle is laying in my arms I'm going to continue to pray. I'm going to pray for the wonderful women in my life who are longing for a family, for all the couples battling infertility and families waiting for a referal through adoption.




And my advice for those who are waiting; whether you're waiting for a child, a spouse or just figuring out what's next. Take heart and hold Psalm 27:14 close to your heart. "Wait for the Lord. Be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord. "





After waiting and re-finding my hope, I realize this: All that I have, all that I'll ever have has nothing to do with me but with Him and His grace.

A year ago I lost hope... but God knew better (Of course). And He knew that some 8 months later a little boy would be born and God had already chosen me as his mother. If only I'd known what was to come, I wouldn't have been so desolate. But I needed that desolation to teach me the proper place to store my hope.

Praying you and yours find HOPE this Christmas season.