Inconceivable

It seems impossible that 1 month ago I raced through an airport and missed our little girls birth by mere minutes.  

In some ways it feels like a lifetime ago....

Has it really been 25 days since I kissed her sweet cheeks?

Wasn't it just yesterday that I smelled her sweet baby smell and swaddled her in the blanket Auntie Sondra made for her.

In other ways it feels like just yesterday...

I wake up some mornings and can still feel her 7lbs in my arms.

I close my eyes and I can still see her chocolate brown eyes, pursed lips and scrunched nose.  

When Gabe asks about baby sister I remember him laughing at her as he showed her Junior Asparagus singing the Boogey Man song, the sweet way he'd ask "baby okay?" whenever she'd make a sound or how he always wanted to give her hugs.

It's inconceivable that just one month ago our hearts were filled with the hope, joy and love only a new baby entering the family could bring.  

I thought our healing process would be much further along that it is at this point.

On one hand, she was only ours for a few short days.  On the other hand, we love big in our family and it would've been impossible for us to not fall head over heels in love with what was to us a long awaited daughter.  While she was never truly 'ours,' she owned our hearts from the day we found out about her.  We had been waiting so long for another child, for a sibling for Gabe... although we tried to prepare our hearts for all possiblities, our hearts are just really good at loving.

Grief is tricky.  It's deep, fierce and runs rampant through your heart. 

Processing my grief, this time, is harder than I ever thought it would be. 

Helping Gabe process his grief is harder than I ever imagined.  

Almost impossible.

It's hard for me to understand why God asked us to be our little girls family for just a few days, so how do we explain that to a 3 year old?  My prayer is that this experience will open Gabe's heart to the idea that we love people deeply and fiercely no matter how long they are in our loves.  

One month since her birth.  

25 days since I had to give her one last kiss, buckle her in her car seat and watch her ride away.

A lifetime left of loving, wondering and praying for our sweet girl. 

Thank you, Preston's Hope...

...for providing the perfect playground for Gabriel to play.  Preston's Hope is the perfect place for typically developing children and children that need a little extra help to run, explore and just be a kid. 

Showing Eli the basketball hooops.  

The sign reads "Perseverance means working hard and not
giving up." Gabe is the poster child of perseverance.  

The 45 minute drive seems nonexistent when Gabe is given the freedom to play on a playground; without needing mommy to help him do everything and being safe at the same time.  Preston's Hope has ramps that provide easy access to the slides, jungle gyms and each and every play house.  There are handicapped accessible swings, a sandbox with a zero entry point and even a train that Gabe could walk right into with his walker.  

Thank you, Preston's Hope for giving my son a place where he can be a kid.  Sounds a little bit like Chuck E. Cheese's but so much better.  And without the creepy mouse! 

Lifesong for Orphans: Farming!

Every month when my Life Song for Orphan's blog subject hits my inbox I get excited.  I used to love Lifesong for all of the work they do to help orphans find their way into forever families.  I love them even more now; the work they do for family preservation is remarkable and the way they are working alongside orphanages and orphan graduates is inspiring.  Read on...

Lifesong Farms. Through the partnership and expertise from our friends at Plant Sciences, Inc., jobs have been created for in-county orphan caregivers and orphan graduates who are transitioning into adulthood. The goal of Lifesong Farms is to not only benefit these individuals with employment, but also to establish sustainable businesses to help fund on-going orphan care.
Enjoy these updates from Lifesong Farms in Zambia and Ukraine...

"OUR LIVES HAVE BEEN CHANGED..." // Zambia



Because of the faithful work of our 16 farm ladies, we have been able to grow and sell berries to local grocery stores. More important than the berries sales, it is exciting to provide employment opportunities for these women, many of them widows, who care for multiple children.

Learn more about Lifesong Farms-Zambia>>

BERRIES SOLD IN GROCERIES // Ukraine

Strawberries from Lifesong Farms-Ukraine are now in 5 different grocery stores in the Kharkov area. Sergei (pictured) and Andrei, both Lifesong graduates, have done an excellent job heading up this project. It's been amazing to watch these two young men, once behind orphanage walls, grow in their relationship with Christ and develop the skills to become successful businessmen. We are thankful to give opportunities to not only these two young men, but over 100 graduates who are employed through Lifesong Farms and other opportunities.

Learn more about Lifesong Farms-Ukraine

READ MORE...
First Harvest is In! - Lifesong Farms-Ukraine share pictures and thoughts from their first harvest this year. Read More

Brush to Berries - Listen in to how Lifesong Farms got started in Zambia. Watch Video

A Growing Potential - Orphan graduates, Andrei and Sergei, receive intentional and godly mentorship through Lifesong Farms. Read more

Sustainable Business - Learn more about Lifesong's sustainable business efforts in Ukraine, Zambia and Honduras.  Read More

A little bit crazy

Adoption is crazy.  

Crazy hard.

Crazy good.

It is filled with an incredibly crazy amount of beauty... 

and pain....

and redemption.  

Today I read a blog post  from an adoptive mother titled "Dear friends of waiting adoptive moms: somethings to know (also, we're sorry).  It spread like wildfire through adoption communities and was re-posted hundreds of times.  Why?  Because it hit the nail on the head.

Certain lines resonated within me:

"We're moms without children.  It's an ache that doesn't go away.  It starts before we see their faces and only ends when they're in our arms.  So we walk about with half our heart missing.  It's hard to breathe, to think, to speak.  Something always feels missing.  Because they are"  And sometimes something will always feel like it's missing

"Adoption comes from loss.  Loss she will see in her child's eyes and in their heart.  Loss that as a mama can make your soul curl up in a ball for an ugly cry.  So don't tell her the kids are lucky.   You wouldn't tell a person who lost an arm that they're lucky to have a prosthetic one would you?"   We are the lucky ones; being entrusted with someone else's child is a beautiful gift.

"Adoption is different.  There is no due date for us."   No end in sight sometimes.  Being paper pregnant for years.  Watching people continually add to their family the 'normal' way while you continue to wait.

"She isn't sure they're coming home...This is the part that tears your soul in two.  This is the part that you wake up in the morning remembering and going to bed at night fearing.  Because there are no guarantees. And that's hard.  No, not hard. It's gut-wrenching"  Sometimes they don't come home. Sometimes you hold them and have to give them back.

Like I said, adoption and everything it entails before you're waiting, while you're waiting and even after you come home is crazy.  I shared this article on facebook and if you want a little insight on why I may seem a little crazy now, why I've seemed a little crazy in the past few years and why the craziness may not end soon, click on the link and read on.

Dear-Friends-of-Waiting-Adoptive-Moms-Some-Things-to-Know-Also-We're-Sorry

My favorites are 2,8,9 and 12.  Okay, well, really they're all good.