Friday, August 9, 2013


It seems impossible that 1 month ago I raced through an airport and missed our little girls birth by mere minutes.  

In some ways it feels like a lifetime ago....
Has it really been 25 days since I kissed her sweet cheeks?
Wasn't it just yesterday that I smelled her sweet baby smell and swaddled her in the blanket Auntie Sondra made for her.

In other ways it feels like just yesterday...
I wake up some mornings and can still feel her 7lbs in my arms.
I close my eyes and I can still see her chocolate brown eyes, pursed lips and scrunched nose.  

When Gabe asks about baby sister I remember him laughing at her as he showed her Junior Asparagus singing the Boogey Man song, the sweet way he'd ask "baby okay?" whenever she'd make a sound or how he always wanted to give her hugs.

It's inconceivable that just one month ago our hearts were filled with the hope, joy and love only a new baby entering the family could bring.  

I thought our healing process would be much further along that it is at this point.

On one hand, she was only ours for a few short days.  On the other hand, we love big in our family and it would've been impossible for us to not fall head over heels in love with what was to us a long awaited daughter.  While she was never truly 'ours,' she owned our hearts from the day we found out about her.  We had been waiting so long for another child, for a sibling for Gabe... although we tried to prepare our hearts for all possiblities, our hearts are just really good at loving.

Grief is tricky.  It's deep, fierce and runs rampant through your heart. 
Processing my grief, this time, is harder than I ever thought it would be. 
Helping Gabe process his grief is harder than I ever imagined.  
Almost impossible.
It's hard for me to understand why God asked us to be our little girls family for just a few days, so how do we explain that to a 3 year old?  My prayer is that this experience will open Gabe's heart to the idea that we love people deeply and fiercely no matter how long they are in our loves.  

One month since her birth.  
25 days since I had to give her one last kiss, buckle her in her car seat and watch her ride away.
A lifetime left of loving, wondering and praying for our sweet girl. 


Dardi said...


"My prayer is that this experience will open Gabe's heart to the idea that we love people deeply and fiercely no matter how long they are in our lives."

This is beautiful & hard all at the same time. I remember when Kaya came to us through foster care, & my defense mechanism said, "I am just watching her." That lasted a few hours until I heard her cry. I remember saying out loud, "No, Lord!" when that cry hit me at the core of my mother's heart that I was trying to guard, but He impressed on me so deeply that this child deserved nothing less than everything we have. So, we were all in, come what may. Huge lessons from the tiniest of beings, but God wants nothing less than our "all in". Keep loving big, Meredith. XO

Alison said...

Oh, sweet Meredith, I am praying for you. For healing for your hurting heart. Cling to the Lord as you grieve. He will be faithful to carry you through!