I used to spend endless days at Cedar Point... feeling the wind in my face, screaming like crazy and getting an adrenaline rush! I never questioned the safety of the ride or the experience of the operator I just had fun. And then one year it changed... I'm not sure why but I questioned the safety of the ride, the harness holding me in, and wondered about the qualifications of the operator. And the thrill of the roller coaster was no longer exciting but a little scary. While I'm sure if I go to Cedar Point again, I'll muster up some courage and find myself strapped in and ready to go.
As I grow older I find that my recollections of roller coasters adhere to the way I look at life... just about every life experience I encounter feels like a roller coaster... ups and downs and even some stomach turning loops. Anyone who's gone down the path of adoption knows all about this roller coaster ride... but like in most things, I underestimated the magnitude of the ups and downs.
I thought that the paperwork, interviews and meetings were where the ups and downs were found and once we would be matched the roller coaster ride would ebb and life would find a balance. Boy was I wrong.
Don't get me wrong, our adoption experience with Miss B has been wonderful! She is simply the best and Matt and I absolutely adore her and her family. We love spending time with them and look forward to the future as we journey together in this world of adoption.
So while we've had a few ups and downs with the actual process (dealing with multiple agencies is a little overwhelming) most of my ups and downs have been emotional. Excitement when our diapers came in, when we bought his "coming home outfit" and when we picked out a name (unless we change our minds, again :) But I feel the downs when I awake in bed at night praying to God for a miracle for our little boy and wonder down the road of "what-ifs." And my biggest what-if is the most consuming: What if Miss B changes her mind? I know the statistics yet I know my heart... and each time we visit with Miss B or exchange emails, she takes a little bit more of my heart with her for "our" little boy. We love him, I love him... and I know Miss B and her family love him too. And that's why this what-if is all consuming... because whatever happens, this little boy will know nothing but love but I just want him to know our love too!
But when I wake-up in the middle of the night or these thoughts invade sporadic waking thoughts, I find myself singing praise music and relying on this passage from Matthew:
"For this reason I say to you, do not be anxious for your life, as to what you shall eat, or what you shall drink; nor for your body, as to what you shall put on. Is not life more than food, and the body than clothing? "Look at the birds of the air, that they do not sow, neither do they reap, nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not worth much more than they? "And which of you by being anxious can add a single cubit to his life's span? "And why are you anxious about clothing? Observe how the lilies of the field grow; they do not toil nor do they spin, yet I say to you that even Solomon in all his glory did not clothe himself like one of these. "But if God so arrays the grass of the field, which is alive today and tomorrow is thrown into the furnace, will He not much more do so for you, O men of little faith? "Do not be anxious then, saying, `What shall we eat?' or `What shall we drink?' or `With what shall we clothe ourselves?' "For all these things the Gentiles eagerly seek; for your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. "But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness; and all these things shall be added to you. "Therefore do not be anxious for tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
(Matthew 6: 25 - 34) I read this each morning and recite it throughout the day.. and it calms my fears, for a while at least. Or until my hands become still and my mind starts to wonder.
As our due date approaches (bumped up to the 17), please pray for peace for Matt and I, for health and safety for Miss B and our baby boy and for Miss B's family to feel the love and comfort of God as they give us our future and grieve what they'll miss.
So tonight, after I say my prayers I will "Cast all my anxieties upon Him because He cares for you." 1 Peter 5:7
Love & Blessings, Meredith