Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Hard stuff

"And we know that God works for those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose"  -Romans 8:28
 
Even when we can't see the reason, can't see beyond our own heartache and grief, we know that somehow God will work this out for the good.
Right now though, I'm clouded by pain; desperate to make sense of the madness the last few days have brought.  But right now I'm just clinging to my faith...
because I can not see the good in this past the hurt in my heart.
I can't close my eyes and not see the sweet face of little A dancing behind my eyelids.
For reasons far beyond our scope of understanding things came up in regards to little A's files.  Things AGCI didn't know and didn't know to tell use. More news cropped up in Adis today that led AGCI to make the painful decision to not be able to place little A.
 
We've lost our referral to little A.
Little A was only ours for a few days but he was ours.
He was loved.
He was cherrished.
His family found him.
And now we've lost him.
 
This is hard.  Much harder than I could have ever imagined.  Again, this is something we never imagined would happen. 
Before getting off the phone with our caseworker she asked how I was feeling.  I told her I didn't know.  Sad, angry, confused, hurt, unbelieving.... I'm sure those feelings will come, mostly now though, I just feel numb.  Like my brain has processed too much over the past few days and is using this numbness to protect itself for a little bit longer. 
Our caseworker asked if I was okay. 
Again, I told her I didn't know but then I told her these two things, two things I've repeated to myself at least 1000 times this afternoon:
God is good and the sun will come up tomorrow. 
 
So tonight as I lay in bed and tomorrow as we continue to process this I will continue to repeat the two things I know with complete certainty.
God is good.
The sun will come up tomorrow.
 
We truly appreciate your prayers during this time.  Prayers for us and prayers for little A - that the family God has planned for him finds him and finds him quickly. 

7 comments:

Stephanie said...

I want you to know I am holding you, matt, gabe, and little a in my heart.

Jessica Whitesel said...

I couldnt even imagine...love u Mere...will keep u and your family in my thoughts!

Jenny Marrs said...

Praying for you and your family and for sweet, precious A. This doesn't make sense to my earthly mind but I believe exactly what you are repeating over and over... God is good and the sun will come up tomorrow. He is working this for good. He brought this sweet boy across so many paths and it has to be for a very special purpose. Praying for God to hold you in your pain and heal your broken heart. And for A's family to be found so that this special little man knows how very much he is loved and cherished.

Stacy, Pat and Aidan said...

Heartfelt prayers going out for you now and always. Hang in there. Right now it seems hard but God will find you he right child.

Melissa said...

I'm so sad reading this! Keeping you in my prayers!

Alison said...

I am so, so sorry, Meredith. I can't imagine how painful this must be. Please know that I am praying for you today!

Unknown said...

Praying for you and your family, even though we have never met, our hearts break for you!!