Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Grace and the Hard Stuff

This past week has been one of the most emotionally difficult week I've had in all my 30 years.  I'm not sure why, but I just didn't expect it to be this insanely difficult. Like an anonymous blog comment pointed out, we had never met or held little A so why is this so hard?  It's so hard because in those 6 days we thought he was ours, our hearts had already begun to dream and plan for him.  Just like a newly pregnant mother muses about the child growing in her belly, I was dreaming about the child growing in our hearts.

But amongst the heartache there has been also been a lot of truth spoken.  I have been so encouraged by the family and friends who are praying with us, sending thinking of you texts and when they've come across a scripture verse they've found to be encouraging forwarding that as well. 

Now let's be honest, I truly appreciate the prayers and the text messages and phone calls seem to always come just when I need them most; just when the grief or pain becomes to strong to bear alone.  But as for the scripture, well, I tend to ignore those messages until my mind is a little clearer and I want to read them.  I'm sure I should read them immediately after receiving them but I just can't seem to bring myself to read them.  I know they will bring me comfort but at times, I don't want the comfort.  I don't want to be reminded that God is in control or this is all part of His plan.  Because when your pain is intense and your grief runs deep, the platitudes and hopeful scriptures seem trite.

So I let myself rage just a little bit longer until the intense pain peeks and then wanes.  It is at that time that I feel like I'm able to read a scripture verse or two; to find hope in the one who gives all hope.

Right now though, I keep repeating this verse and clinging to the part where the Lord said "My grace is sufficient for you" 
Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. 
But he said to me,
"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." 
Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses,
so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 
2 Corinthians 12:8-9
The past few days people have told me that we're handling this situation with so much grace.  I'm not seeing it.  Maybe because I'm looking at everything from the other side of the mirror.  I feel the hurt, I'm listening to my inner voice dissecting every thought I have and I am not feeling full of grace. 
But grace is a funny thing.  God gives it freely to us but it's a concept so foreign to human nature that it's hard to accept.  I try so hard to give grace to those around me, especially to Gabe.  I want Gabe to grow up to be a well mannered and sweet boy who loves God but I don't want him to think he needs to be perfect.  And that's where grace comes in... if we can teach Gabe about grace at a young age, maybe, just maybe Gabe will be able to accept God's unconditional grace when he's older. 
So we're trying to teach Gabe grace and we try to show grace to others around us, but this accepting grace for myself, well right now, with losing our referral and life continuing to move forward.. it's hard.  Really hard.  I know God is being graceful towards us, just the fact that I get out of bed each morning after getting little sleep and praying for peace throughout the night, shows just how plentiful his grace is towards me. 
But I'm struggling with showing grace to myself.  If I'm sad, I get upset with myself that I just can't be happy that Little A has a forever family.  When I can't sleep, I berate myself for being too emotional.  Texts go unanswered, phone calls ignored because it takes too much energy to act normal and then I get mad at myself that I can't just get over this. 

So it's like I said, this grace thing is tricky as is losing a referral.  And right now, I just don't feel like I have a lot of grace left to give and especially none to give myself.  Which is why 2 Corinthians 12:8 is so important.  While my grace is waning, His grace is more than enough.  For me, for you.  And it's from His grace that I'm going to dip into and let myself grieve without feeling guilty, cry freely for my pain but rejoice equally for little A's new family.
This part of adoption, of life is hard.  But somehow, with the amazing love and support we've received... I can see a little bit of the beauty hiding behind the hard stuff.  
And the fact that I can still see that beauty hidden there is a forceful reminder that God is good.  And he is good. 

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