"Life's a dance you learn as you go, sometimes you lead, sometimes you follow..." I heard this refrain on the radio on my way home from work today and hours later I'm still hearing it play in my head. John Michael Montgomery sings that "sometimes you lead, sometimes you follow," but I no longer want to lead. Following a sermon series at church entitled ilead, I know that I need to stop trying to lead my life and follow Him. It's just really hard to give up that control - I know what I want out of life, I want to do what I can to attain it but, well, what I want and God's will aren't always the same thing. If that were so, Matt and I would be anxiously awaiting the birth of our first baby in October - a baby that would be loved, cherished and adored. If it was a boy, he'd have two ready made best friends in Wyatt and Noah and if it was a girl, well an arranged marriage with Wyatt or Noah would be in order. But that was not meant to be...
My arms are empty and some days all that I want to be is a mother holding her baby and other days I'm confident and secure in the fact that God has a child out there waiting for us. It's a delicate dance in my heart, vacillating between feeling weary and longing to feeling loved and secured. I want to be the strong Christian that's completely secure in the path God has her life on and some days I am. But other days I just feel so weak; that one more small blow may knock me off of my feet.
Monday we filled out our pre-application for All God's Children International. Of course we filled out one small section, very IMPORTANT small section incorrectly and now have even more paperwork to fill out. Along with the doctors letters I need to get, an actual application and a personal statement I need to write, we've finally begun our international paperwork. Only God knows how long it will take, but hopefully it won't be too long...
I am so excited that Matt and I have begun this next road in our journey. While the road seems uphill and has a few forks and detours, my heart is at peace in this situation. I'll admit I'm quite nervous; international adoption is expensive, I'll have to travel to a different country (possibly alone) and the process can be very long with lots of daunting paperwork, set backs and delays. But we're ready to take a step of faith, letting go and letting God direct us where He wants us.
And speaking of God's direction...He has put a burning desire for orphans in my heart and with that He has also placed a passionate love for Ethiopia. And when we received back information about our pre-application from AGCI, it included the information that we meet the qualifications to adopt from Bulgaria and...ETHIOPIA! So 7,333 miles away we'll find the beginnings of our family...whether we fly swim or dance across the ocean God will find a way to bring the child he intended for us, to us!
Whether it's slow or fast, the tango or a waltz... this dance called life certainly has a way of keeping me on my toes.
Love & Blessings, Meredith