Sunday, June 14, 2009

This weekend has been anything but wonderful. My grief sneaks up on me in the oddest of moments. And I'm not sure where this grief comes from. This baby was never meant to be ours, we didn't even lose something that we was intended to be ours. I feel like I'm borrowing someone else's grief, mourning someone I don't know - it feels awkward, foreign but right. Outside of these moments of grief I feel great joy for the couple that was chosen: they'd been a client of MCB much longer than we've been and I'm sure they're desire for a family is just as strong as ours. I also feel great relief for the hope I have that this is not the end, our journey will continue and my heart will heal. I just wish I knew what my heart was being prepared for and I'm sure one day I'll know... in His time.

Then this afternoon a well meaning friend directed me to a website where this poem was located. And it just kind of says it all:

I have longed and waited.
I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation
are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.

I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep,
and discover.
I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the
sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold, and feed him
and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop
another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream.
My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense;
that God has given me this insight,
this special vision with which I will look upon my child.

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to
or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured.
I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend, and sister
because I have known pain.

I know disillusionment,
as I have been betrayed by my own body.
I have been tried by fire and hell that many never face,
yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me,
I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort.
I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.
I listen.
And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely.

I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine,
of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth
when life is beyond hard.

I have learned a compassion that only comes by walking in those shoes.
I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes, I will be a wonderful mother.

Love & Blessings, Meredith


Desiree said...

I am praying so hard for your family. You are going to be a great mother. The child that God leads you to will be very lucky.

The Gayden's said...

Oh Hun-
I continue to pray for you and your family. Don't loose faith hun, your baby is out there and God will lead you to him/her and day now.

You are in my prayers, lots of hugs


Becky said...

I'm praying for you - very fervently. I know the pain in your heart. We were there, too, more times than I care to remember.

And though it will not take the pain away, know that God is near. He hears you. He has a plan for you. He knows how much love you have to give to your baby.

YOUR baby.

And when that day comes...this pain will fade away. It won't be forgotten, but it will no longer hurt. That, my friend, will be a wonderful day and I will sing praises along with you when it comes!

And it WILL come.


Carrie S said...

I am so sorry for your hurt in this situation. I am praying for you as you continue on the journey of adoption.
I can tell you that many years went by before our daughter came into our lives, and even though it wasn't when I planned and it was quite heart breaking, it was perfectly planned by our maker. We were married 10 years before she came into our lives. I will pray for your hurt and your mourning..Loss in adoption feels like a miscarriage almost and those are true raw feelings that mean you have much love to give to the orphaned who needs your home. I pray God gives you direction and light on your path soon.