Australia, Infertility & Adoption

For us, infertility truly wasn't the worst thing that could happen to us.  We always planned on adopting eventually but eventually came a lot sooner than we were anticipating.  Of course adopting isn't easy; putting every aspect of your life out in the open, talking about personal things with complete strangers, the cost of adoption services and of course the waiting - it's a little difficult, I tell you.  And I'll admit sometimes the ease which some people conceive, the certainty of no one changing their minds and the time lines of a pregnancy makes me envious. 

For us, adoption was (and is) an easy choice, but not always easy.  I've always loved this analogy involving Australia and traveling to get there. 

Deciding to have a baby is like planning a trip to Australia. You've heard it's a wonderful place. You've read many guidebooks and feel certain you're ready to go. Everyone you know has traveled there by plane. They say it can be a turbulent flight with occasional rough landings, but you can look forward to being pampered on the trip.

So you go to the airport and ask the ticket agent for a ticket to Australia. All around you, excited people are boarding planes for Australia. It seems there is no seat for you: You'll have to wait for the next flight. Impatient, but anticipating a wonderful trip, you wait - and wait - and wait.

Flights to Australia continue to come and go. People say silly things like, "Relax, you'll get on a flight soon." Other people actually get on a plane and then cancel their trip, to which you cry, "It's not fair!"

After a long time the ticket agent tells you, "I'm sorry, we're not going to be able to get you on a plane to Australia. Perhaps you should think about going by boat."

"By boat!" you say, "going by boat will take a very long time and it costs a great deal of money, I really had my heart set on going by plane." So you go home and think about not going to Australia at all. You wonder if Australia will be as beautiful if you approach it by sea rather than air. But you have long dreamed of this wonderful place, and finally you decide to travel by boat.

It's a long trip, many months over many rough seas. No one pampers you. You wonder if you will ever see Australia. Meanwhile, your friends have flown back and forth to Australia two or three more times, marveling about each trip.

Then one glorious day, the boat docks in Australia. It is more exquisite than you ever imagined, and the beauty is magnified by your long days at sea. You have made many friends during your voyage, and you find yourself comparing stories with others who also traveled by sea rather than air.

People continue to fly to Australia as often as they like, but you are able to travel only once, perhaps twice. Some say things like, "Oh, be glad you didn't fly. My flight was horrible: traveling by sea is so easy."

You will always wonder what it would have been like to fly to Australia. Still, you know God blessed you with a special appreciation of Australia, and the beauty of Australia is not in the way you got there, but in the place itself. - Diane Armitage

Every ones journey is different; while some people conceive naturally, others conceive through treatment, some adopt and others decide not to have children but it doesn't mean any ones journey is the wrong one. 

Thoughts on Becoming a Mother

I remember exactly where I was the first time I read this poem... the day, where I was sitting, what was on TV... everything.  It was May 11, 2009, the day after Mother's Day.  I was propped on the couch, Matt in his recliner and we were watching are usual Monday night show, How I Met Your Mother.  The only reason I remember is because after reading it, I felt hopeful and not quite so alone.  

I hope that someone else finds the hope and comfort that I found in this poem... know you're not alone, you will be a mother someday and the emptiness you feel now will be filled with a love so fierce you can't even explain it. 

"There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.
I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books,
but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.
I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.
Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.
I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.
I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.
I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.
Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.
I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.
I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body, I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.
I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.
So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.
I listen.
And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immerse power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.
I have learned to appreciate life.
Yes I will be a wonderful mother."
- Author Unknown

And may I add, a little over 32 months later, while I don't love getting up with Gabe and my steps aren't as light as they were when he was 5 months, I truly don't mind.  I'd love more sleep but I can still remember the longing I felt to have a child to wake up with in the middle of the night and I can't complain when I know others have that same longing.  

Be blessed by your children... or remember your blessing is coming.

XO

Psalm 113:9

Later this year, I turn another year older.  I'm not all concerned about turning another year older, even if it is a big number this year.  But getting older does make me think a little and take stock in what I have around me.  And I'm not talking houses, cars and things but the people in my life; Matt and Gabriel, my family, my lovelies, my friends.  I am blessed.  Incredibly blessed.

But sometimes late at night, when I'm laying in bed wishing our next little loves were already home, I think back on how I expected life to go.  When infertility and loss weren't even a thought in the back of my head, let alone an actual part of life.  After Matt and I were married, I figured we'd have 4 or 5 children the 'natural' way and then adopt a couple more.  By 30, we'd have at least a car full. 

I was wrong.  I  hate being wrong.  But I am so grateful that I was wrong.  It will be a miracle... like the kind the Pope authenticates if are next baby is home by the time I turn 30.  And I'm okay with turning 30, I really am okay with growing older (of course, I will be buying wrinkle cream soon) but as much as
I try to convince myself that I'm okay, I'm not always okay with how long it is taking to grow our family.  I know it's part of God's plan and that his timing is perfect. 

But sometimes it's hard and I have to stand firm in the truth of the word; that God does know the desires of my heart.  Psalms 37:4 tells me to "Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart," and I do.  In Psalms 113:9, the psalmist (most likely David or Moses) writes  "He settles the barren woman in her home - the joyful mother of children."

And that I cling too.

NIAW

Today marks the start of National Infertility Awareness Week.

Infertility is defined as a medically recognized disease that affects men and women equally. It is defined as the inability to conceive or retain a pregnancy during a one-year period.

Did you know:

• 1 in 6 couples are affected by infertility
• 35% of infertility problems can be traced to the woman, 35% traced to the man and 20% traced to both.
• Ten percent of infertility is unexplained
• 6.1 million couples are affected by infertility in the US, worldwide 50-80 million
• Infertility affects approximately 10 - 15 % of the population
• The fastest growing group of people affected by infertility are women under 25

Statistics found here and here.

You probably know someone who struggles with infertility, even if you don't know that they do. 

And the chances are even greater that you didn't know that April 22 - 28 was National Infertility Awareness Week.  Until we struggled with fertility, I didn't know anyone else.  And then slowly, my blinders were removed and I realized a lot more people struggle with it than I could have ever imagined.  I am so thankful for organizations like Resolve.org and friends who are willing to talk about infertility, so that I didn't feel so alone.  We need to get past the social faux pas of not being perfect and open up about infertility so that others know they aren't alone.  And NIAW is a great start. 

However, if it weren't for infertility, I wouldn't have had this moment:  The first time I held Gabriel.  And I would not change one thing. 

Happy Mother's Day

Rajneesh once said "The moment a child is born, the mother is also born. She never existed before. The woman existed, but the mother, never. A mother is something absolutely new." I have to disagree.

You see, before Gabe came home I longed to be a mother. My heart ached for a child to love, my arms longed for a child to love; innately I knew something was missing. But according to my sweet husband, I already was a mother, just without a baby.

And while that is one of the sweetest things he could have ever said during that time of our life (or ever), I personally know other beautiful women who fit that description as well. Two of them I know better than I know myself; we share joy and laughter, pain and sorrow.

As much as motherhood is a part of who I am, it is also who they are. Their love, patience, depth of caring and kindness equates only to the characteristics you see in a mother. And if the world was a perfect place, their arms would be full of children.

But the world is far from perfect. Infertility and loss is an everyday part of peoples lives. So today, while we celebrate our mothers and the love they have given us, may we pray for those women (and men) that are struggling with the loss of a baby or the change of a path.

There are many women who taught me how to be a mother. For the past 28 years my mom has shown me what it's like to have unending and never ending love for your child. God definitely knew what He was doing when He gave me her.

My sister-in-law Annie has shown me how sacrifice and putting your children first is an everyday part of life. My neighbor Barb taught me that motherhood doesn't end when your children are grown. Jessie taught me patience and sacrifice as well while Sarah taught me that no matter how you body feels, your children always deserve your best. I have learned so much from so many different women in my life.

God has put some amazing mothers in my life; and I am so blessed to be able to learn from them. And while they may not be mothers by society standards, two of the women I have learned the most from, are two of the most beautiful mothers I can imagine. And even if they never become mother's in a traditional sense, motherhood is not always the number of your children but the state of your heart.

You know who you are, and you know how much I love you.

Happy Mothers Day to all, but especially my sweet Mama! Love you!

All that I am or ever hope to be, I owe to my angel Mother.

-Abraham Lincoln

Our Adoption Story

Kelly at Kelly's Korner blog hosts a Show Us Your Life blog every Friday where readers can link up and share a little about their life. I've never participated before but this week the SUYL topic is adoption, and since that is an area of passion for me, I figured I'd give it a try.

Like many couples our adoption journey started with infertility. But not the typical road of infertility; before we were married we had talked about having a few babies and then adopting a few more, God heard our plans and laughed a little I'm sure.

After getting married we knew we wanted to start a family right away. "For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, go give you a future and a hope." This verse became our personal mantra that I repeated daily and sometimes hourly when we wanted our family to grow from 2 to 3 and nothing was happening.

Not being able to conceive naturally and knowing that infertility doctors and treatments were not an avenue we felt led to pursue the door to adoption was opened wide.

We explored a few different avenues before finding our adoption attorney MCB. After birth mother meetings led to no where we decided to adopt internationally while keeping our file open with MCB. We pre-applied to All God's Children International and were in the process of applying to adopt from Ethiopia when MCB called with a potential birth mother.

Miss B and Mr. C were the birth parents and after being turned from an adoption agency because their unborn child had a few unfavorable inutero diagnosis's, they found our attorney, reviewed our file and wanted to meet with us.

Matt and I anxiously met with Miss B, Mr C and Miss B's mother. And loved them! The best part was they loved us too! An adoption plan was made and Gabriel was born a little over 3 weeks later.

The first time we saw Gabriel

Our 1st family photograph

At court getting Gabriel's adoption finalized!

Our adoption story is not done yet though. Like our blog name says, this is a journey and our journey has now taken us back to Ethiopia in pursuit of our next child. We are almost through all our paperwork and ready to start homestudy meetings, then we'll file our dossier paperwork and get on the waiting list. It seems like just a few more steps but it's truly not that simple. While we don't know if our next baby will be a boy or a girl and when they will join our family, just like with Gabe, we know that God is in control and will add to our family in His time, not ours.

Thanks for reading our story... and feel free to come on back because our adventure is just beginning!

Unlikely Gratitude

Today is Thanksgiving and every year my list of things to be thankful for seems to grow longer and longer. As I look at my list, two things strike me. The first is that I am so blessed. My life is filled with immeasurable amounts of love and happiness, I truly shouldn't ask for more (but I do, it's just human nature I suppose).

The second thought that took me by surprise was one of the things that for which I was grateful. You see my list looked a lot like this:

1. My faith and religion
2. Matt
3. Gabriel
4. my family
5. my friends
6. freedom
7. adoption
8. life group
9. classic literature
10. warm boots
11. Harry Potter
12. technology
13. Gabe's therapists and doctors
14. my church
    

and my list went on and on. But my list included one word that I never thought I'd be thankful for and that word was infertility. It surprised me as I wrote it down and I had to ask myself, "are you really thankful for infertility?" But unbeknown st to me I am. While infertility has brought me intense pain, it has also brought immense joy.

First infertility brought me Gabe. And while Gabe was not born from me, he is part of me. Gabriel is the light of my (and Matt's) life and I can't imagine life without him. He was meant to be ours, and without infertility he may never have made it home to our arms

Infertility changed my marriage. And made it stronger. I never knew how much compassion Matt had until he had to hold me for hours on end as I cried. I never knew how strong he was until he held me together when I was falling apart on my own. It's doubtful that our marriage would be as strong, as deep or as rock solid as it is now had we not encountered infertility. Maybe it would be but I suppose we'll never know.

Being infertile and having my hopes and dreams ripped from my heart and soul changed my relationship with God. Now, God is more than enough... then, well I loved God but he wasn't my center, my rock like He is now.

And infertility brought me the deepest, truest and sweetest friendships I could ever imagine. While growing up I never heard about people not being able to get pregnant. Sure, I heard about people getting pregnant when they didn't want to but for someone to not be able to get pregnant - unheard of!

Then I grew up and realized that life doesn't happen the way you think it will. That even though marriage followed love, baby doesn't always follow marriage. I thought I was alone and while I'd never want anyone to feel the pain I've felt God didn't leave me lonely. He equipped me with friends, sisters who know what I've been through because they've been there too. They know when to talk, when to listen or when to just hold a hand. Without infertility these girls would be my friends. With infertility they're my sisters, for life.

And that is how I can be grateful for infertility. A beautiful son, a wonderful marriage and husband, a deep relationship with God and sisters are all reasons why infertility made my list of things I'm thankful for.

Colossians 3:17 And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.

How can I look at this and not be grateful?!

Happy Mother's Day!

Happy Mother's Day to all of my favorite momma's out there! You know who you are! But a little shout out to the mom's who've modeled for me what it's like to be a great mom... My mom, Auntie Kim, Annie, Anna, Sarah, Kristin, Natalie, Jessie, Becky.... the list could go on but each of these mom's has recently taught me at least one valuable lesson on how to be a good mom! Thank you and you are all a wonderful inspiration! I love you guys!

And a special Happy Mother's Day to all my waiting friends - being a mother without a baby is the hardest obstacle of all. Have faith, you're time will come. And since I know how much it stinks to hear that, I'll just say I love you girls!

"Happy Mother's Day"

It comes around every year;

but when you have empty arms,

it's very hard to hear.

It's a day to celebrate a mother,

for all the trials she overcame;

and a reminder to an infertile

of her loneliness and shame.

But what really makes a mother,

Is it just conception and birth?

Or is there something more,

that shows a mother's worth?

It's putting your child first,

in everything you do;

it's a sacrifice and determination,

and love and patience too.

An infertile woman makes all her plans,

around a child not yet conceived;

she loves them even though they aren't here,

more than she ever could have believed.

She appreciates and understands,

what a blessing that children are;

she words hard for just a chance

that motherhood is not that far.

All odds are stacked against her, and yet she still has hope;

everyday is a another struggle,

finding ways to help her cope.

So even though her arms are empty,

she can still be a mother too;

So say a special "Happy Mothers Day;

for those waiting for their dreams to come true!

And to Miss B... I can't imagine how hard today is for you. To know the love and joy of being a mother but not having Gabe to hold. Without you, celebrating today wouldn't be a possibility for me. Thank you so much for loving Gabriel so much that you allowed us the opprotunity to raise him. Never a day goes by without thinking of you, loving you and praying for you. Thank you so much for giving me this day and everyday with our Gabe. Love you!

Was it just last year?

Last year I skipped Mother's Day. And it stunk. And it didn't just stink for me, it stunk for my Mom too. And believe me, I have a fabulous mom so to skip Mother's Day was not an easy, or quick decision I made. But I knew, emotionally I would not be able to handle another Mother's Day without being a mom.

So last Mother's Day, Matt and I went to church where I gave my Mom a hug but couldn't utter those 3 words that I knew would break my heart and then taught Sunday School where I let Matt and Tiffany (the other girl that helps us - she's the best) work the door so I could avoid all of the mothers picking up their children. And then Matt and I went home, ate and had just an ordinary Sunday. And that's what I needed; it was cathartic yet selfish. Because more than any other day, even her birthday, my mom loves Mother's Day. Because she loves being a mother. And she is such a great mother. Unselfish, devoted, kind and loving; a wonderful, devoted to God type of Mom. The type of mom I hope to be, just with a lot more babies:)

Last year I never would have believed that I would be the mama of a beautiful 8 month old baby boy. I hoped but didn't believe it. But the other fabulous mother in my life did. At my nephew Jacob's birthday party which occurred the day before Mother's Day my sister-in-law (but, really I mean sister) gave me my first Mothers Day gift. An angel that came with the saying "May you find strength, peace and beauty every day." It was beautiful, sweet and made me cry, of course! But what meant more to me than the gift was what Annie said, that she believed this would be my last Mothers Day without a baby. And I wanted to believe her and I hoped she was right, but for the sake of my heart, I couldn't fully believe. But on nights when I was sad, days that I felt hopeless or mornings I awoke empty I clung to her words, her belief that soon I would be a mother.

And I am! Sometimes I still can't believe how God has blessed my life and answered the desire of my heart by giving us Gabe. Even though I'd like a few uninterrupted hours of sleep or a shower that doesn't include popping my head out to talk to Gabe, I wouldn't change a thing. If our journey has taught me anything (and believe me, it's taught me more than I could ever share) it has taught me to cherish every moment. Sleepless nights and cold showers, sweet baby smells and accessories, smiles and coos, dirty diapers and peed on mama, furniture, clothes.... all of it, everything - I love it and wouldn't trade for anything.

I am so blessed and I know it. And maybe that's why my heart is feeling a little heavy tonight. Because I am blessed and know so many couples that are still waiting. I know what it feels like to see a pregnant belly, a newborn baby or a disheveled new mom and wish that was me. So this year, as I celebrate the wonderful life of motherhood I am not going to forget my sisters and brothers that are still traveling this journey, still waiting for their blessing. I'm going to pray that God comforts them and blesses them soon with the desires of their heart. And that while they're waiting; the people in their life remember them on days like this, just like my sister Annie remembered me last year.

Would you join me in praying for all of the people waiting for their family? Whatever path they take on this journey; adoption, fertility treatments or just waiting and trying that they find peace and comfort. And believe me, even if you don't know who they are, you know someone who's waiting.

Prayers are powerful. "Confess to one another therefore your faults and pray for one another, that you may be healed and restored. The earnest prayer of a righteous man makes tremendous power available." James 5:16

A Trip to Australia

Adoption and infertility tend to take unique paths - different for everyone, but eventually lead you to the same place. Adoption.com provides us with the following analogy:

Deciding to have a baby is like planning a trip to Australia. You've heard it's a wonderful place. You've read many guidebooks and feel certain you're ready to go. Everyone you know has traveled there by plane. They say it can be a turbulent flight with occasional rough landings, but you can look forward to being pampered on the trip.

So you go to the airport and ask the ticket agent for a ticket to Australia. All around you, excited people are boarding planes for Australia. It seems there is no seat for you: You'll have to wait for the next flight. Impatient, but anticipating a wonderful trip, you wait - and wait - and wait.

Flights to Australia continue to come and go. People say silly things like, "Relax, you'll get on a flight soon." Other people actually get on a plane and then cancel their trip, to which you cry, "It's not fair!"

After a long time the ticket agent tells you, "I'm sorry, we're not going to be able to get you on a plane to Australia. Perhaps you should think about going by boat."

"By boat!" you say, "going by boat will take a very long time and it costs a great deal of money, I really had my heart set on going by plane." So you go home and think about not going to Australia at all. You wonder if Australia will be as beautiful if you approach it by sea rather than air. But you have long dreamed of this wonderful place, and finally you decide to travel by boat.

It's a long trip, many months over many rough seas. No one pampers you. You wonder if you will ever see Australia. Meanwhile, your friends have flown back and forth to Australia two or three more times, marveling about each trip.

Then one glorious day, the boat docks in Australia. It is more exquisite than you ever imagined, and the beauty is magnified by your long days at sea. You have made many friends during your voyage, and you find yourself comparing stories with others who also traveled by sea rather than air.

People continue to fly to Australia as often as they like, but you are able to travel only once, perhaps twice. Some say things like, "Oh, be glad you didn't fly. My flight was horrible: traveling by sea is so easy."

You will always wonder what it would have been like to fly to Australia. Still, you know God blessed you with a special appreciation of Australia, and the beauty of Australia is not in the way you got there, but in the place itself.

My 'trip to Australia' has led me to see the beauty in the good as well as the bad; to be thankful for sweet baby sounds as well as dirty diapers, to relish in all the smiles as well as the sleepless nights.

NIAW

Today we are mid-way through National Infertility Awareness Week. What? You didn't know that it was National Infertility Awareness week? It's sad to say, I'm not surprised. Although 1 out of every 6 couples will need some sort of medical intervention to concieve, talking about infertility is some sort of social indecorum.

Before I had to ever think of infertility, I can admit I was one of those people who just didn't understand how people couldn't get pregnant. I mean it seemed pretty easy to me; you have sex and get pregnant, what was too that. And I would have never thought that infertility would be part of my life; I had a plan. I would get meet Mr. Right, get married, have a baby and live my own little happily-ever-after.

But God had other plans.... I did meet Mr. Right and get married but the 'plan' stalled out there. To avoid sharing too much information, we'll just say God had other, and for us, better plans for us and our family. Plans that were better than I could have ever imagined.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Jeremiah 29:11 became sort of a mantra for me; I'd repeat it daily, hourly and sometimes more often than that to get through the discouraging moments. And while Matt and I were not completely sure of God's plan and only knew it were to include adoption and not fertility treatments. Thus the choice of adoption precludes us from being a success story in the infertility world but how could I ever look at this face

or see my two favorite guys being silly

or hold a miraculous wonder next to an otter

and not think that this is success... a miracle just like any other way of bringing a baby into a family.

But infertility is a funny thing; it's certainly not talked about among mixed company. And I'm not talking about different genders or races; I'm talking about everyone. Until you hear of someone going through what you're going through or have been through... you're not sure if it's okay to talk about. But I think we need to change that! If approximately 17% of people in America our dealing with some sort of fertility problems, inevitably it's someone you know. For me; it's one of my dearest friends, girls I go to church with, friends from high school and college and strangers I've met through the bloggy world. And we're in this together - whether you just keep trying the natural way (insert smile here!), opt for medical intervention or choose adoption - infertility is there. It's a journey, not a destination (cliche I know) but as Paul McCartney and his buddes the Beatles say we "get by with a little help from my friends" and a whole lot of faith in God.

Entering the world of infertility was not done at will, but by God's will. Leaving infertility behind and embracing the world of adoption and my sweet baby Gabe was only by God's grace. 3 years ago I never would have thought that I'd be thankful for infertility but when I look at the baby sleeping in my lap, reflect on the way my faith has grown or think of all the relationships developed, strengthened or both it is hard to be anything but thankful.

This song and video (especially the dedication) by John Waller also provided me so much comfort while we were waiting. And tonight I watched it again, with Gabe in my arms and cried so grateful for God's faithfulness and for those still waiting...

This weekend has been anything but wonderful. My grief sneaks up on me in the oddest of moments. And I'm not sure where this grief comes from. This baby was never meant to be ours, we didn't even lose something that we was intended to be ours. I feel like I'm borrowing someone else's grief, mourning someone I don't know - it feels awkward, foreign but right. Outside of these moments of grief I feel great joy for the couple that was chosen: they'd been a client of MCB much longer than we've been and I'm sure they're desire for a family is just as strong as ours. I also feel great relief for the hope I have that this is not the end, our journey will continue and my heart will heal. I just wish I knew what my heart was being prepared for and I'm sure one day I'll know... in His time.

Then this afternoon a well meaning friend directed me to a website where this poem was located. And it just kind of says it all:

I have longed and waited.
I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation
are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.

I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep,
explore,
and discover.
I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the
sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold, and feed him
and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop
another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream.
My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense;
that God has given me this insight,
this special vision with which I will look upon my child.

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to
or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured.
I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend, and sister
because I have known pain.

I know disillusionment,
as I have been betrayed by my own body.
I have been tried by fire and hell that many never face,
yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me,
I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort.
I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.
I listen.
And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely.

I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine,
of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth
when life is beyond hard.

I have learned a compassion that only comes by walking in those shoes.
I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes, I will be a wonderful mother.

Love & Blessings, Meredith