Last week I went to an adoption seminar hosted by are adoption attorney, MCB. It was very small, very intimate and very uncomfortable... at least at first. It wasn't uncomfortable because I was the only person there alone, Matt had school that night. It wasn't uncomfortable because I was so much younger than the other couples... it was uncomfortable because of my own insecurities. It was uncomfortable because the couple sitting next to me was the couple "our" birth mother chose. My recognition of them was almost instantaneous, theirs didn't occur until MCB pointed out the couples that had been through interviews and pointed both of us out. The second I recognized them I wanted to get up and leave... but I didn't. I stayed and over the course of the next hour and a half, I grew as a person. I took that time to fully embrace my pain of not being chosen. But not only did I embrace my pain, I embraced the other couples happiness. I listened to their story, heard their longing for a baby in their voice, saw the joy on their faces and the uncertainty of a possible failed adoption in their eyes.
And their story, their longing felt a lot like ours. Even though we haven't been chosen yet, I could fully understand the fearfulness of a failed adoption - worrying about that keeps me awake some nights. How will we, I, survive if the adoption we live for, falls through? I know the answer - we'll survive by the grace of God, but I'm scared spitless to have to go through something like that.
But it was the joy of the "chosen" couple that took my breath away. Their joy just exuded from them as they sat next to me and from that I drew strength - that one day Matt and I will feel that joy, that we'll be given the chance.
MCB talked about the club we're in... that unless you're going through this/been through this, you don't know what it's like. But once you're on the other side of this process, with a baby, the process: the emptiness, the longing, the pain makes sense, gives you perspective.
Matt and I don't have any friends that are currently adopting. We know people that have adopted, but not really well. Not well enough where I'd be comfortable to bear my heart and ask questions. I have some blogging friends that I "know" that have gone through this process but no one who I can sit with a cup of Starbucks at the park and just chat with. I feel like I need that, and this seminar MCB put on provided that: it provided me an opportunity to gather with people who where in the "adoption club;" people who share the same desires we share, and people who share the same obstacles. Like writing my blog, it was cathartic - it soothed my soul and was a perfect opportunity to draw closer to God; embracing my pain and letting go of it all at the same time.
Kenji Miyazawa said "We must embrace our pain and burn it as fuel for our journey." So we'll keep on our journey, embracing our pain and relying on each other, our friends and family and God to get us through!
Love & Blessings, Meredith