Monday, May 21, 2012

A Year Ago Today

For a brief moment as I walked to change Gabriel before we boarded our flight out of Akron I thought "I could just keep walking."  Walk past the bathroom, out of the airport  and leave for home... surely my dad would still be waiting, he couldn't possibly believe we would go through with this.  How could we possibly leave all of this; our family, our friends, our church, our support behind us?  It seemed inconceivable.  Keeping myself composed was utterly hopeless... watching an airport reunion of soldiers and their loved ones tore me apart as I was leaving mine behind (yes, my thoughts were that self-centered).  But instead of leaving, we boarded a plane and flew nearly 1200 miles Houston; a place that seemed unwelcoming and as foreign as a country half a world a way. 
“Moving on, is a simple thing, what it leaves behind is hard.” – Dave Mustaine

Slowly I learned it wasn't the moving part that was difficult, but everything we left behind that was so inconceivably hard.  Family, best friends, a community that we knew and had a place in, a church that we could serve and grow with, a neighborhood that felt like home... and all of these wonderful memories wrapped from Vermilion to Beachwood and every place in between. 

And the even harder part?  The things we left behind change... nephews grow up and grandparents grow older, some relationships fade away while others mature into something even better.  People change, places evolve. 

Everyone changed since we moved.  Including me.  I am no longer the girl that thought she wouldn't be able to do it; move away from all that she loved and learn to love something new.  I thought moving to Houston would break me and in many ways it did. 

In college, and many times after, I've heard the saying "God doesn't give you  any more than you can handle."  While struggling through infertility and navigating adoption, I thought that saying couldn't possibly be true.  Moving to Houston showed me it was a complete lie.  God does give you more than you can handle, because it's in those moments where you think you are at your limit and something else goes wrong (like finding out after moving to Houston that we would have to redo all of our adoption paperwork when we were initially told the opposite and our wait would be even longer) that you fall at the feet of God. You sit at his feet, soak in His word and bask in his presence.  

And He carries you.  You learn.  You grow.  And you change. 

I know I sound dramatic, but for me, moving so far from 'home' was the worst possible thing that could have happened.  But it wasn't.  And I did change.  My faith grew stronger, my love for my husband, while I didn't think it was possible, grew deeper and my confidence in myself grew.  I can navigate the crazy Houston traffic with an angry toddler in the backseat during rush hour with ease.  I now sleep soundly knowing I have done all that I can to ensure our safety when Matt's traveling with business.  20 minute layovers, appointments with new doctors, asking other mom's for phone numbers and play dates.... these are things I never thought I could do without help.  While I truly believe it takes a village to raise a child, I know now that I am a capable mother and wife. 

One year ago today we moved to Houston and at the time I could only see the bad things that were happening, the negative changes and all that we would be missing.  But over the past year, day after day, God has unveiled the good things about moving to Houston.  While some days I miss the people in Ohio so much I can hardly take a deep breath and my heart just aches, I know where I belong.  Where Matt is, where Gabe is and where God can do the most work in my life. 

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight.  Romans 3:5-6

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